To Be Six Again

Found this on a website...sad how much I relate to it.

To Whom It May Concern:

I hereby officially tender my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 6 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&M's are better than money, because you can eat them. I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, addition tables, and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset. I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

Somewhere in my youth I matured and learned too much. I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation, and abused children. I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death. I learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our country, and returned only to end up living on the streets, begging for their next meal. I learned of a world where children knew how to kill....and did!!

What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball? I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by little things once again. I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music was clean. When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence, and deceit.

I remember being naive and thinking that everyone was happy because I was. I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and prettiest seashell I could find. I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike. I didn't worry about time, bills, or where I was going to find money to fix my car. I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days of the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

I want to be 6 again.

Life Continued

Oh. My. Goodness. Has it been over a month since I last wrote here? Shows how insanely crazy my life or *cough* I have become. Regardless the weather finally is getting warmer. My toesies are itching to slip into sandals and flip flops instead of the serious close toe shoes/heels I wear all the time. I want to paint my nails too--a cheery pink or lavender color perhaps. But alas I am sick today and cursed with a sore throat and fever which has mostly left, thank goodness. I can't even rest on a sick day though since I have been typing a 20 page paper all day. The things I want to do...read, decorate, cook, even paint toesies are on hold for this monster called school.

Speaking of which, graduation day is looming on me. I am discovering how easily distracted and stressed I become when uh...I'm stressed. I'm trying (vainly it seems...I should be doing homework now) to be self-disciplined and to remain focused. Too many thoughts compete for attention in my mind and I am waaay to concerned with what other people think of me these days. But the voice, the sweet voice whispers "in all your ways acknowledge me and I shall direct thy paths" and "come unto me all ye who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest". How I need that rest...the kind where you feel as if you could sleep forever and when you do wake up everything is bright, new and full of possibilities?

Showers of blessings...

...mercy-drops 'round us are falling, but for the showers we plead.

Well school is going better, I dropped a class so my workload is a lot less stressful and easier to manage. It was a good move on my part and I will still be able to see my family for graduation. Only 2 and 1/2 months left of school before I can walk and accept my diploma. Granted, I won't get the real one till a few months later when my class are all over but it will be an exciting moment just the same.

The roommate situation is NOT working out. A girl that seemed to be really interested in my place and even came twice to look at it decided it wasn't the right time for her to move. *sigh* So I'll have to ask my folks to help with rent for a while longer I guess. I'm trying to trust that it's all for my own good though.

I am enjoying my classes and am learning some interesting things, especially in my on-campus Bible class. In other news we got 10 inches of snow, glorious snow. There's nothing more beautiful then a whole world that is hushed by a blanket of whiteness. Even the trees seem still and serene.

Another change that has occurred is that for the first time in my life, I'm not single. It still hasn't sunk in yet and it's not something I tried to bring on myself either. It just happened and I sure wasn't expecting it. Dorky thing is, I'm slowly turning into one of those girls I've made fun of for years. It is exciting and yet really nerve wracking at the same time.

There shall be showers of blessing,
Precious reviving again;
Over the hills and the valleys,
Sound of abundance of rain.

Holding On

If you've knelt beside the rubble of an aching, broken heart,
When the things you gave your life to fell apart;
You're not the first to be acquainted with sorrow, grief or pain,
But the Master promised sunshine after the rain.

Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
Weeping only lasts for the night;
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.

To invest your seed of trust in God in mountains you can't move,
You have risked your life on things you cannot prove;
But to give the things you cannot keep for what you cannot lose,
Is the way to find the joy God has for you.

Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
Weeping only lasts for the night;
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.

The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.
Just in sight!

Silence

I am so stressed to the point of feeling sick to my stomach. I found out today, unless my appeal gets approved, that I won't be able to walk for graduation in May. My family and grandparents have already made plans to be here to celebrate this and I hate that I may have let everyone down. My life feels reduced to stack of to-do lists, homework, and errands to do here and there. I wish I wasn't so serious all the time. I wish I could laugh more often and just plain enjoy life. The fact that I'm here is a miracle right? Each day is a gift, is it not? So why don't I feel that? Why am I so tired, worn, and stressed all the time?

Ugh. What happened to my ambitions--to read, travel, explore, meet people? Each day I find myself wanting a "career" less than ever before. And yet I can't be ungrateful...I have a job, apt, friends, family, good health, and am better off than so many people...God please help me!

Not for the faint of heart....

Today was productive at work. Since I didn't get many emails I flagged all of them to answer tomorrow and made today a "catch-up" day on the stacks and forms I never get around to doing. By 3pm my head was swimming and the compy was starting to blur in front of me. Stupid vertigo. I need to see a specialist or something. I took a long walk, went back and packed up, went home and had a good cry. I cannot give up. I have to keep going. I am so nervous about passing one of my classes, but I have to make it through or I can't walk. Tonight is my ballet class and I hope my head stops hurting by then or I'll never learn my moves for the spring program. On the bright side my friend from my former college spent all weekend with me and I had a great time. She just went home and now I'm kinda sad. If she gets a job here she'll be my roommate, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high in that regard. If I may use a sports analogy, I feel as if I'm sitting on the bench with a broken leg and am waiting for one of those motivating "win one for the gipper" speeches. To be fair, there have been some good things happening and yet I can't enjoy it completely because I'm afraid it will disappear if I do. I sure hope it will all be worth it in the end.

Warm fuzzies

It's almost one in the morning, but seeing I haven't posted something in a while I wanted to write a quick post. I'm tired and sleepy, but very happy. And no, I haven't been drinking... I'm still doing too much, have no roommate, am worrying about finances, feeling drained every day, and yet I'm happy. A wonderful paradox.