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I am so sleepy. Very, very sleepy. My compy is sick so I'm typing this on the office computer; I really hope my compy gets fixed soon. *sigh* I need to pick up rolls for a fall festival lunch my department is having tomorrow, do my laundry, try to exercise, do homework on the library computer before midnight, and pay bills. Wow, my life is so exciting. I think I'll have spaghetti for dinner. That should spice things up.

Surely...

Hymns randomly pop in my head. What can I say? But these are the words that came and comforted me during this long day. Read it slowly and savor it. Ah words of life and beauty...

A pilgrim was I, and a wandering,
In the cold night of sin I did roam,
When Jesus the kind Shepherd found me,
And now I am on my way home.


Chorus:
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days, all the days of my life;
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days, all the days of my life.

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever,
And I shall feast at the table spread for me;
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days, all the days of my life.


Verse 2:
He restoreth my soul when I'm weary,
He giveth me strength day by day;
He leads me beside the still waters,
He guards me each step of the way.


Verse 3:
When I walk through the dark lonesome valley,
My savior will walk with me there;
And safely His great hand will lead me
To the mansions He's gone to prepare.

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

In case you didn't pick it up, the title is actually a book I once read as a kid. It also happens to describe my day today. *exhales*

Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness, out of shame,
By the cross you are the truth, you are the light, you are the way...

Why???

I seem to handle things as well as a tangled web--trip over just one line until before I know it I'm smothered underneath the wispy strands. I hate being the bad guy, but why can't people realize that when I actually do speak up about something it really bothers me? At the risk of sounding like a teenager--like really.

I did go away for a weekend, enjoyed myself, learned a lot, and had a great time. Now that I'm back I'm trying not to drown under the emails I have to answer at work and the homework I need to do. And I'm worried about finances. For few days I've been worth a negative balance, but payday has come and gone and my mind is trying to split the money I now have into neat categories: rent, insurance, food, gas, credit card, tithe... Problem is trying to make it stretch that far. Maybe money needs to be made out of spandex instead of paper. Sorry for that random detour.

And I don't think I'm eating enough. I've been trying to track the foods I do eat and often barely reach the 1,000 calorie mark. Considering I'm supposed to have at least 1,500 a day I don't think that's enough. For example today I had two small muffins and hot tea for breakfast, a ham/cheese sandwich with apple juice for lunch, and rice with bread and butter for dinner. There doesn't seem to be a lot of substance in my diet, but I can't seem to work up an appetite for anything. Regardless I become full very quickly; on the way back my group stopped at Subway, where I got a 6" sandwich with a glass of water. It looked so pitiful next to the footlong sandwich, potato chips, soda, and cookies the girl next to me had. I felt full after eating just half of mine but I made myself eat the rest anyways.

I'm also considering making an appointment (once I have the money) at UVA to see if I could be a candidate for a cochlear implant. Not that I will per se, but I am curious to know one way or another.

I'm really tired all of sudden. It's been a long day and I'm going to bed.

Loneliness...

*sigh* This is a somewhat humorous section from an article I read. I can relate to it more than I'd like to admit.

If there's an organ in the body that causes loneliness, I'm sure it's located near the stomach. When I'm really hungry I'll eat anything—lettuce, ice, dried pasta, frozen peas. The same is true when I'm lonely. I'll look anywhere or do anything to stop the hunger.

I know I'm lonely when I check my e-mail, click on another site, and then check my box again to see if mail came in. Maybe I missed something. Sometimes I dial the voicemail on my cell phone to check for messages, even though the very colorful and accurate display screen reads "no new messages." Maybe the screen messed up. When I get home from work, my first stop if my office to check my phone. Aha! The little green light on my caller ID box is flashing. A new message! I dial into the system. I punch in my code. I wait. I frown. I hang up. Another telemarketer wants to sell me solar heating for my pool.

As that unidentified organ near my stomach begins to pump the lonely feeling into my body from ears to toes, I resort to the backup plan. Noise, motion, a task, any distraction is all I need to stave off the growing hunger. I turn on the radio. Nuts! Commercials. I turn on the TV. Fifty-five channels of boredom. I eat. I just bought these cookies, how can they be stale? I drink. Remember to buy more milk. I sleep. Why do all my neighbors have dogs? I do laundry. I mow the lawn. I write out bills. I make my bed. I play video games. I write. I run errands. I organize my closet. I read. I vacuum. I desperately search for any distraction to deaden the pain. The rest of the article can be read here: http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/mind60621.html

Now, I must pack for a sojourn, a vacation. Hopefully it'll distract me from myself--cynical as that sounds.

When Nothing Makes Sense

I'm eating "Death by Chocolate" while some sappy movie is on TV and my roommate is chatting with her boyfriend.

Tapping computer keys.
Sitting near phone.
Silence.
Ache.
Loneliness.

Flickering TV screen.
Dim halo from lamp.
Music.
Words.
Tiredness.

Sipping from glass.
Spoonful of sugar.
Dreams.
Wonder.
Warmth.

Rising early.
Stumbling in dark.
Commute.
Labor.
Clock.

Whispers from friends.
Warm embraces.
Encouragement.
Strength.
Smiles.

Life vanishing as vapor.
Sinking in thought.
Legacy.
Sadness.
Tears.

Fading wallpaper.
Wilting flowers.
Gasp.
Passing.
Heaven.

Turning of page.
Dropping roses.
Memories.
Hankerchiefs.
Sunset.

-Molly H.

Snippets of Everyday Moments--Present and Future

Teaching mathematics. Sadness. Hiking Sharptop mountain. Old hymns. Introduction to counseling. Hugs. Dance lessons. Friendships. Sending emails. Dreams. Finishing a good book. Home. Practicing ASL. Ah soul are you here without comfort or rest, marching down the rough pathway of time?

Hope. Shopping. Shivering in a cold car. Beach retreat. Hurting. Trying a new recipe. Old friends. Does Jesus care when my way grows dark, with nameless dread or fear?

Re-arranging furniture. Journaling. Updating blog. Anticipation. Instant messaging. Frustration. Thunder. There is within my spirit tonight, rolls a melody sweeter than psalm.

Sunsets. Short prayers. Cleaning. Long talks with mom. Texting. Writing poems. Oh yes, He cares. I know He cares. His heart is touched with my grief.

Sleep. At last.

Favorite Movie Quote

Sam: By rights we shouldn’t even be here, but we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo… the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. How could the end be happy? How can the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it’s only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it’ll shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stayed with you that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.

-Lord of the Rings

Reflection

It is the weekend yet again. Though I didn't sleep in for as long as I wanted to, I still feel well rested. I got my ballet uniform and shoes last night and I'm so excited to begin my classes this Monday. It has been one of my dreams to go on pointe and I'm ready to work towards that. :)

The other day after I left work, I jumped in my car for the sojourn home and when I started it...nothing. I looked at my steering and realized I left my headlights on--all day. Dagumit. So it had to be jump started by a poor fellow who I'm sure was just as eager to get home as I was. Being the paranoid person I am, I bought a brand new battery just in case. My friend, who shall remain nameless, made me get a free test last night at an auto shop. Alas it appears to be fine, so I will take the new one back and use my money for better things like--ah I don't know. I'm sure some random bill will arrive and snatch it away.

So this past year has been one of the hardest I can remember. I will spare my readers the details, but I am learning now how to move on. This is actually freeing when I'm able to remember to do so. As the apostle Paul said, "but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." So even more than having things to look forward to, such as making new friends, decorating my apartment, taking ballet lessons, I look forward to the day when I can look back and see how it's made me in to the person God wanted me.

As one of my favorite hymns says:

Sometimes mid scenes of deepest gloom,
Sometimes where Eden's bowers bloom,
By waters still, over troubled sea,
Still 'tis His hand that leadeth me.

Lord, I would place my hand in Thine,
Nor ever murmur nor repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since 'tis my God that leadeth me.

The Rainy Day

A friend of mine shared a poem today written by Tennyson and it made me want to look up all the poems I've liked. I'm including one here written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

The Rainy Day

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

Happiness

AHHH! I love people! Whether talking for a hour after church or hanging out with old and new chums, I am at my happiest when I'm around people. I mean I know I need God and He helps me in many ways, but life seems much more bearable when you have others to share it with and to support you. I can't believe I have lived without this interaction for almost a year. No wonder I was so tired and discouraged most of the time. One of my interpreters at school wants to go out to lunch with me this week or next so I'm looking forward to it. :)

And...I got an email back from a dance studio in town and there is still time to sign up/audition for an adult ballet class. I am soooo jazzed about it! It's going to be like seeing an old friend when I put the leotard and ballet slippers on again.

I needa get make dinner and some chores done so I can go to bed. Farewell my friends.

A New Chapter

Ah, I love the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. My roommate thinks I look just like the actress Nia Vardalos--after she gets all primped up that is. :) I guess what is inspirational to me is that she didn't give in to the pressures to "find someone" but rather set out to follow her dreams. Of course along the way she met "him", but it seems to similar what I should do with my life. Enjoy it to the fullest, go after my dreams, and not be too concerned with what other people think of me.

And I just realized, I went after one of my dreams this week and got my car. I love it! The freedoms, independence, and sheesh, why didn't I get one a long time ago? Well I didn't have the money, but oh well. But now that I have a car I'm going to try to be involved with church and other social functions. I think that's one reason why this past year has been so hard--not getting to be around people as often as I wanted or needed to.

I have new ideas I want to implement at work to hopefully make things more streamlined and efficient--not that I have a lot to do anyways. Oh, and I start two online classes in a couple weeks and I'm actually looking forward to them. Anything to bring me one step closer to graduation day in May 2009. I'm taking counseling and teaching math which I think will be more interesting than my previous classes. Now that I have a car, I'm going to look at ballet lessons once again--after several long years of waiting. :D

Sleepless in seatle...or wherever

Yes. I know. It is 3:30 in the morning and therefore I'm insane. But that's what happens when you don't get home until 6pm after working all day. I made a baked potato for dinner with all the trimmings, and attempted to watch a movie with my roommate--but fell asleep on the couch not long after the opening credits. So I woke up and panicked when I saw the time on my laptop was 11:30. My thought was I overslept and totally missed my ride to work...till I realized it was pm and not am. And I have been awake ever since.

I'm picking up my car at the DMV this morning at 8 so I've been looking up info and seeing what I have to bring. I've got my documents together, my check, and other stuff all neatly stacked near my purse at the door. I still feel like I'm forgetting something important though. Argh, I hate that feeling. I'm going to be very broke for a while, but I guess you can't put a price tag on independence. I'm sure Aimee will enjoy the extra few minutes of sleep, but I know I'll miss the random moments that keep me from taking myself too seriously. Her sign language skills are improving so rapidly--I feel like a proud momma. We had a convo in sign during lunch today and we only talked about other people around us. The poor souls. It was so hilarious. :)

Only two more days till the weekend. I'm going to be so dead when it comes. There's been way too much drama this week, but I'm going wash my hands of it. Hopefully, it can only get better from here on out...