Weekend Trip

The problem with going away is simply that you have to return.

The past weekend I had another chance to pack my overnight bag and take a second road trip this month. I felt so refreshed. The house my friend and I stayed at was beautiful and serene. In the morning, I sat outside on a porch deck, felt the wind rustle my hair, watched the birds gather their food, read my Bible, and prayed as I never had before. And I knew somehow things would be alright. For if the little birds had enough to eat--without worrying about their next meal--then I too will be cared for.

Traveling back home, I longed for the days when I went to camp in the summer. When life seemed so easy, so black and white. The days when my friends and I rallied for a similar cause--the cause of Christ and resolved to never waver from Him. We'd sing at the top of our lungs the camp theme song: We will press onward / for Christ is still the same / what He was in ages past / is what He will remain / and forevermore, that is what He will be / for time and eternity...and mean it with our whole hearts. Before every meal, we'd recite the theme verse: Whether therefore ye eat or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. And at night we'd sit under the stars, sing, and draw closer to God without the distractions of the world.

How I need the strength to press onward. To not let the ebb and flow of emotions determine my course of action. To do right...no matter what it may cost me. I know what is true and right, just for some reason it becomes more vivid and bolder when I get away from the known and familiar. Probably because I then can listen the small voice tugging away at my heart.

The problem with going away is simply that you have to return. However, I'm back in the 'burg with a new resolve to let Him use me however He deems fit.

Just As I Am

Just as I am, without one plea,
but that thy blood was shed for me,
and that thou bidst me come to thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot,
to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about
with many a conflict, many a doubt,
fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
sight, riches, healing of the mind,
yea, all I need in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thy love unknown
hath broken every barrier down;
now, to be thine, yea thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Road Trip!

Friday night I left to help a girl from church finish moving from Connecticut to here in Virginia. I love taking road trips and hadn't been on one in years, so when she asked me to accompany her I jumped at the chance.

Traveling to me is very inspiring and makes me want to accomplish all the things that I dream of doing. My favorite parts is getting to see downtown in each city we drive through. They are all similar in that they have tall buildings, but each has its own character and style--and I enjoy passing through each one.

We went through Northern VA, Maryland--near D.C, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, New York, and then finally Connecticut. Minus the 100 degree heat and the tempers that flared now and then over which way to turn, the whole thing was a great adventure. I got to pass through the Holland tunnel that connected Jersey City to NYC. I saw the wharf of NYC and smelt the moist air. For the first time I experienced the no self-service allowed gas stations in NJ--that I only heard about. Traveling back, I saw heat lightning in the east while the sun was setting in the west.

I saw the campus of Yale University--one of the most prestigious schools in America. It was beautiful with tall cathedral type buildings, and brick walkways lined with trees. I experienced the brash, rude, driving skills of new yorkers which confirmed my general dislike for them. I felt the rush of the big harried city of New York, and the calmness of the little towns that people drive through so quickly due to their size.

Also I drove more then I ever have at one time--for about 4 hours on Friday night and 3 hours Saturday night. I passed by countless truckers, farmers in pickup trucks, fancy SUVs, little coupes, and miles of endless terrain. The last hour I drove the faint vibration of the engine was starting to lure me to sleep--despite the cold air blasting through my window. I flashed my headlights to the moving van in front of me and pulled over to change drivers. After I moved to the backseat I fell asleep not long after.

I believe all experiences are opportunities to learn, and what I learned from this past weekend of traveling is to take chances, live live to the fullest and have no regrets.

Out of the mouths of children

Sometimes what children say convicts me far more then a rebuke from an adult ever could. Today I spent time with a lady who had four special needs children. One was a boy of 13 who was autistic among other things. He was small for his age and looked and acted around the age of 8 or 9. He was a very skilled signer though and signed as rapidly as he tried to talk--which was nonstop. :)

In the van on the way to McD's, he talked about his struggle with school, how he failed math, was off and on different meds, and had tendencies towards suicidal thoughts. As we got out the van, he stopped, stared at the ground, and simply stated, "I feel very sad now". I turned around and faced him. "Do you need a hug?" His eyes lit up, "yeah!" So I hugged him and asked, "Do you feel better now?"
"yeah thank you", he beamed.

We walked towards the entrance and he tapped me on the shoulder and said, "can I have another one?" Of course I gave him another hug and then he got excited/distracted at the sight of the playground. I could tell he wanted to play on it, but he hesitated. "Would you be okay if I played?"
Startled I said, "Yea, go on, have fun"
"But I don't want you to get lonely. You won't get lonely will you?"
I melted then and there. He had problems worse then mine and yet he was more concerned about the needs of others. He was what our society unfairly calls "feeble-minded" and yet he saw past my happy-go-lucky demeanor which fooled everyone else. Because in reality I did feel lonely. I don't know how he picked that up, but I signed to him, "I'll be ok, but thanks for asking." He ran off and I thought about how much smarter he was than I.

During a choir practice I went to today, a four year old boy somehow hit his finger on something and starting crying. He randomly stopped the flow of tears and shouted, "Everybody stop! We havta pray for my boo-boo right now!" Startled we all obeyed as he told us to bow our heads, close our eyes, and put our hands together. There was muffled laughter everywhere. He then prayed, "Dear Jesus, Thank you for my mom, thank you for my friends, help my brother to behave, thank you for my dad, make my finger better, and i pray for the cup on the table (?), for the cat, for the water fountain....for the teachers, for the all people in the world,....in Jesus' name, AMEN!!" Choir wasn't so exciting after that. :)

Hold Me Jesus

Sometimes my life just don't
Make sense at all
When the mountains look
So big, and my faith
Just seems so small
And I wake up in the night
And feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
There must be blisters
On my heart

Hold me Jesus
I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Hold me Jesus
Cause I'm shaking life a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Sometimes my life just don't
Make sense at all
When the mountains look
So big, and my faith
Just seems so small
And I wake up in the night
And feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
There must be blisters
On my heart

Surrender don't come naturally to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want, than
Take what You give that I need
Surrender don't come naturally to me
And I beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, falling on my knees

Saying hold me Jesus
Please hold me Jesus

Hold me Jesus
I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Hold me Jesus
Cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Musings

I was talking with a friend today about how we would like to get married someday, but that there seems to be a shortage of "good" guys in the world except for our brothers. And we wondered how much of getting married is our responsibility and how much of it is God's doing? Obviously He's not going to plop the poor soul on my doorstep though He sorta did that to Eve. Only in reverse. My guess is that our responsibility is to avoid being hermits and put ourselves in positions where we'll meet people and trust Him to do the rest.

Sometimes I get discouraged, and think that no man could ever want me, that I'll be single for the rest of my life. Depressing as that is, I remember a pastor stating to college students, "Be the right one, and the right one will come along". So am I?

Is my tongue "the law of kindness"? My sarcasm probably disqualifies me here. Am I punctual? Not always, which means no. Do I do everything heartly, for the Lord? No, I care what people think too much. Am I faithful? Do I see things through, no matter the cost? *sigh* Do I love others, even if I'm not loved in return? I try. Am I modest, and try to keep other men's minds pure even when they look on me? Well I don't dress like I did at PCC. I am tempted to flaunt. But the hardest question, am I doing him good now, even before I meet him? All the days of my life? Lord help, I want to so badly but I fall short.

So where does that put me? It means I need to focus on three things: to seek God with all my heart, to serve others, and to trust Him. And to also not just set high standards for myself, but to expect the same of him. One poem I read says:

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for your socks and shirt--
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home;
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say "It is very good".

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did on the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean, so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.
by Lena Lathrop

So anyone with years of experience or wisdom that can chip in his two cents here?