Argh!!!

I'll be honest. I want revenge. I'm tired of hurting and not seeing someone pay for it. I want to scream and hit till I'm blue in the face. I've forgiven this person, but I didn't know I'd have to do it more than once every day. It's just not fair...

Beneath the surface...

If there is anything I have learned from being on my own this past year, it is that people have a preoccupation with appearances. Many times, more than I can count, I have been surprised to see sides of people that I never knew existed. Like the stackable dolls with a gem inside or a shiny apple with a rotten core, we all have secrets--whether good or bad. Christians especially are not exempt from this. I am reminded of how God whispers-"I do not see as man sees. For man looks at the outward appearance, but I look at the heart." So how are our hearts? Are we real with other people about our struggles so that we can support and encourage another? Or do we feel we have to put walls around our weakness and wear smiles to hide our pain? I read a prayer that captured this on another blog which I'm borrowing here:

"Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her kids.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those that are close to us, but to all humanity. Amen"

Summer Camp

Like most kids I went to camp during the summer, and did the traditional campfire songs, games, late night stories in bunk beds and so forth. Strange that I'm considering going to camp again at my age, but of a different sort. I've been thinking of Focus on the Family Institute summer camp for college students/graduates or something similar. It's basically leadership training in the mountains of Colorado where I would live for three months. I have been in leadership positions, but I feel woefully inadequate for leadership. It might be a good idea to stretch myself and take on roles that I'm not used to having. Its something to think about between now and then.

*yawn*

I am so zoned out. My mind is on the plane cruising at an altitude of 14,000 feet in the air southbound to Florida. My mom has several things planned for me when I fly home in December and I want to be there and not here. I miss home and I'm sad because I think it'll be the last time I'll see my dog alive. She has arthritis and doesn't hear as well as she used to. Being almost 14 years old, I guess she has a right to be. My roommate's birthday is this Sunday and I needa get her a card before I forget. I am mostly aggravated over my lack of transportation and Monday I'll have a mechanic look at a car I'm interested in. If it goes well I'm going to buy it, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. Since I am tired and cranky now, so far I have succeeded in putting a damper on my hopes. I'm not completely over some things, but I have more good days than bad days and hope is starting to overtake the hurt I had. My current encouragement is a verse that runs in my head like a broken record:

Life's day will soon be o'er, all storms forever past,
We'll cross the great divide, to glory, safe at last;
We'll share the joys of heav'n - a harp, a home, a crown,
The tempter will be banished, we'll lay our burden down.

Fall is here!!!

The weather is so cool and crisp today and I love it! Soon we'll use the fireplace in my new apartment and I'm so excited over this fresh new season and start. Warm soups, falling leaves, good books by the fire, football games, and cute sweaters--all these signal a turning of a chapter in time for me. A time when I feel like all the bad is behind me, and I can set out to accomplish everything I've wanted to do.

:(

Now I'm mostly sad about some things and scared over the blank slate of my future stretching out before me. So much is unknown to me and sometimes I wish it wasn't. Last night my friend and I got dressed to the nines and went to wal-mart so I could get a new camera I've been waiting so long for. We then went to Candlers Mountain and looked over all of Lynchburg during the deep night while the city slept and the lights shone from every street corner. There was nary a person or car in sight and everything was at a standstill. Everything closes at 9 anyways in the 'burg. It was beautiful sight...and why am I being so nostalgic? I'm going to bed before I get all weepy and sentimental.

Do you know me?
Can your eyes pierce my soul?
Do you know me?
Though I appear to be in control?

Here I stand before you
Wanting to tear down my walls
This I'm afraid to do,
I don't want to ever fall...

Do you know me?
Can you see the tears I hide?
Do you know me?
Enough to see past the lies?

At foot of cross I stand
So tired, weak and worn,
Lord please just hold my hand
I don't want this anymore.

Do you know me?
When I feel I'm alone?
Do you know me?
Enough to make me your own?
Molly H.

Help me Understand

This one life
one heart
one mind
and one soul.

Inhabits a speck
of land on
one earth
just one time.

Illusions crumble,
dreams fail
hearts break
and yet...

He.
Is.
Still.
There.

Spinning the planets,
melting the earth
painting the sky
and holding...

All things
In
His
sovereign plan.

We wonder
Why?
How?
and He answers...

All things
were created
by me
and for me...

Just know
know
I hedge you
all times.

Behind.
Over.
Before.
Always.

Today.
Always.
Forever.
I am with you.

written by Molly H.

Another Saturday!

Let's see what there is to do today: make my budget, pay my bills, buy a new camera and hair straighter, add minutes to my phone, look at car ads, read my library books, do laundry, unload the dishwasher, clean my room and the bathroom, write a thank you note, call a friend, weed out emails, sign up for clep exams, buy books for D term, file papers, put hooks on the wall, pluck eyebrows, clean out purse, and exercise.

Last but not least, get energy to do all the aforesaid things without falling asleep all day.

Politics

I am getting frustrated with this upcoming election. I really don't like the candidates from either party and I'm disgusted that Christians in particular will follow the Republican party to the ends of the earth just because it's the "lesser of two evils". Whatever happened to voting for the most qualified? Who said we are responsible for the results? As for me I believe that we should vote as God would have us to, and leave the results to HIM.

And, this may bug some people, but I don't think a wishy washy McCain is the best choice for the country. Who cares if he has such a conservative vice president candidate? She's not going to be president, and is not going to be making the policies and decisions for our country. McCain will. Perchance McCain dies is she really fit to be president? What if she ends up drafting women for a war? Speaking of which, does it bother you at all that though she is pro-life she is obviously not pro-family? I mean she went back to work when her baby was three days old! Sorry, but that is not something to brag about lady.

Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't we have both a pro-life and pro-family stance in the White House? And why are we so focused on creating "history" that we fail to take this seriously? I don't think having a woman candidate is a sign of progress. Rather I think it's unbelievably sad that McCain didn't seem to think that there were any qualified men for the position. And if there wasn't, that's sadder still.

September 11

So today is the momentous day in our history, which all of us will remember when we glance at the calender, newspaper, and news. Today I overslept by an hour so I was late to work, but I'm working hard to make up for it. I'm tired, sick, and coughing up my lungs, but I am remembering a song I signed in a choir a few years back. It seems appropriate for today.

When I'm alone,
And I face the unknown,
And I fear what the future may be.
I'll never fear, for Jesus is near.
My Lord abides with me.

How can I fear?
For Jesus is near.
He ever watches and cares for me.
Worries all cease, He gives me peace,
How can I fear, I'm with Jesus.

Thought for the day...

"God will never ask you to give something up without placing something greater in your hands." - Liberty Convo

Bleh...

So tired...from crying off and on the past few days. The worst is when I want to cry, but I can't. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning despite the knowledge that other people have it worse than me. I feel like out in public, in the work/school world I have this plastic version of myself that is happy, cheerful, friendly and yet, all the while I'm hurting so bad inside. Lest my few readers think I'm suicidal, let me reassure you I'm not. Life does feel pointless at times though, and just when I think things are getting better I get knocked down again. I guess when it comes down to it, I just want to be loved and feel like I belong somewhere instead of drifting about. I know some situations are my own doing, but why does life have to be so freaken hard? Now, I need to make my lunch for tmrw and go to bed.