Holding On

If you've knelt beside the rubble of an aching, broken heart,
When the things you gave your life to fell apart;
You're not the first to be acquainted with sorrow, grief or pain,
But the Master promised sunshine after the rain.

Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
Weeping only lasts for the night;
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.

To invest your seed of trust in God in mountains you can't move,
You have risked your life on things you cannot prove;
But to give the things you cannot keep for what you cannot lose,
Is the way to find the joy God has for you.

Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
Weeping only lasts for the night;
Hold on my child, joy comes in the morning,
The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.

The darkest hour means dawn is just in sight.
Just in sight!

Silence

I am so stressed to the point of feeling sick to my stomach. I found out today, unless my appeal gets approved, that I won't be able to walk for graduation in May. My family and grandparents have already made plans to be here to celebrate this and I hate that I may have let everyone down. My life feels reduced to stack of to-do lists, homework, and errands to do here and there. I wish I wasn't so serious all the time. I wish I could laugh more often and just plain enjoy life. The fact that I'm here is a miracle right? Each day is a gift, is it not? So why don't I feel that? Why am I so tired, worn, and stressed all the time?

Ugh. What happened to my ambitions--to read, travel, explore, meet people? Each day I find myself wanting a "career" less than ever before. And yet I can't be ungrateful...I have a job, apt, friends, family, good health, and am better off than so many people...God please help me!

Not for the faint of heart....

Today was productive at work. Since I didn't get many emails I flagged all of them to answer tomorrow and made today a "catch-up" day on the stacks and forms I never get around to doing. By 3pm my head was swimming and the compy was starting to blur in front of me. Stupid vertigo. I need to see a specialist or something. I took a long walk, went back and packed up, went home and had a good cry. I cannot give up. I have to keep going. I am so nervous about passing one of my classes, but I have to make it through or I can't walk. Tonight is my ballet class and I hope my head stops hurting by then or I'll never learn my moves for the spring program. On the bright side my friend from my former college spent all weekend with me and I had a great time. She just went home and now I'm kinda sad. If she gets a job here she'll be my roommate, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high in that regard. If I may use a sports analogy, I feel as if I'm sitting on the bench with a broken leg and am waiting for one of those motivating "win one for the gipper" speeches. To be fair, there have been some good things happening and yet I can't enjoy it completely because I'm afraid it will disappear if I do. I sure hope it will all be worth it in the end.

Warm fuzzies

It's almost one in the morning, but seeing I haven't posted something in a while I wanted to write a quick post. I'm tired and sleepy, but very happy. And no, I haven't been drinking... I'm still doing too much, have no roommate, am worrying about finances, feeling drained every day, and yet I'm happy. A wonderful paradox.