Home Sweet Home

Mid Pleasures and palaces though I may roam,
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home;
A charm from the sky seems to hallow us there,
Which, seek thro' the world, is ne'er met with elsewhere.

Home, Home! Sweet, sweet home!
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.

I gaze on the moon as I tread the drear wild
And feel that my mother now thinks of her child
As she looks on the moon from our own cottage door
Through the woodbine whose fragrance shall cheer me no more.

CHORUS

An exile from home, spendor dazzles in vain,
Oh, give me my lowly thatched cottage again;
The birds singing gaily, that come at my call;
Give me them, with that peace of mind, dearer than all.

CHORUS

How sweet 'tis to sit neath a fond father's smile,
And the cares of a mother to soothe and beguile.
Let others delight 'mid new pleasures to roam,
But give me, oh give me the pleasures of home.

CHORUS

To thee, I'll return, overburdened with care,
The heart's dearest solace will smile on me there.
No more from that cottage again will I roam,
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.

Words by John Howard Payne

Goodbye 2008

This past year has been one of the hardest I can remember. Yet there were many memorable moments as well. I accomplished many of my goals, made new friends, got promoted, traveled, and just simply learned and grew.

Noteworthy snapshots from the year:

Bought a fishy and didn't kill it.
Climbed halfway up peaks of otter...someday I'll conquer it.
Finally got a quality camera...yay!
Drove in the snow for the first time :)
Purchased my first car without any debt...well not for a few weeks.
Moved to a new apartment.
Lost friends and gained new ones.
Sprained my arm for the first and hopefully last time.
Actually flunked a class for the first time...not something I'm proud of.
Fell asleep through too many movies.
Learned how to file a tax return.
Started ballet once again.

And my goals for 2009?

Run after work everyday.
Schedule time to be still.
Graduate from Liberty.

But mostly...to push myself to get past my fears. Take risks. To give people a chance even if I may get hurt in the end. It is my tendency to do the "safe" route. As sociable I am, I have held many people at arms length. If I've done so to you, I apologize. Be patient with me and yet be willing to prod me if I stay that way too long. However, the blessings God has bestowed on my life and home has amazed me...He has been good even in everything I've gone through. It should be interesting to see what 2009 will bring...

Welcome to Our World

"Wouldn't this be a good time for the Messiah to come?" And so says the tailor in Fiddler on the Roof. This scene shows a community of Jewish people who are forced to leave their homes. However since the characters are Jewish I know he was referring to Christ's first coming, not the second that us Christians anticipate. For the Jews do not believe that Christ has yet come. And yet...He is here. Emmanuel has already come. I do wonder how Jews expect Him to appear--with a flash or in an overly obvious way? Ironically everyone missed his actual appearance. Only animals and shepherds were there to witness His cries and first breaths.

How I wish we could have known and seen it:
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. (Lk. 2:8-14)

I fear that even among us that talk about the "reason for the season" we fail to remember what the reason was. It's not just about a little baby in a manger, though that is a start. It is what that baby was to become: "a Savior".

Fragile finger sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorn
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born, unto us is born.

So wrap our injuried flesh around you
Breathe our air and walk our sod
Rob our sin and make us holy
Perfect son of God, perfect son of God
Welcome to our World.
by Michael W. Smith

Leaving home for home...

This is my favorite time of the year to be in Florida. There is joke among the natives that we have four seasons: summer, summer, summer, and almost summer. This is the time of year when the heat is more bearable and actually quite a wonderful 70-80 balmy degrees. It's been a great vacation so far, I've taken long walks in the neighborhood, played on the playground with the bro (yes we regress a little), had long talks with mom, slept in every morning, got to see my dog once again, eat lotsa food, and just relaxed in general. The town still looks the same as I left it, even after one long year and my home church is slightly bigger--but still as friendly as I remember it.

Ironic thing is, even after all my rants of how "trapped" I felt in VA, a part of me wanted to be there again and another part wanted to stay in FL. A friend wisely pointed out that the world is not ready for two of me, so I guess I just have a different perspective once I'm away from the routine. I need to do laundry and pick out a cookie recipe to do before Christmas sneaks up on me. So I'll write again later.

Update

I promised an updated post a little over a week ago and school is finally finished for the term! The last exam is completed and the last paper submitted and now I can focus my energies on work and getting ready for vacation. A lot has happened the past few weeks, but in a nutshell my roommate is moving out very soon--though not of her own choice. I have been contemplating on re-decorating the apartment now that most everything my roommate has is gone. I would love to get tall plants, freshly cut sunflowers for the kitchen, an iron rustic mirror, along with pictures from different countries to hang on walls. Hopefully my grandparents will send a little money for Christmas so I can do so or I'll just save up some of my paychecks for a while.

This week I go back to Florida to see my family whom I haven't seen for a year. It will probably be the last time I see my dog alive to so it will be bittersweet as well. In other news, my first ballet teacher found me on facebook and I hadn't seen or heard from her since I was a wee girl. As I wrote on her wall an update, I was amazed to see how much has happened in my life as boring as I think it is.

Today felt productive for me. I cleaned my room, did all the laundry, some shopping, baked some sweets, and laid out all my things I needed for work and my class tomorrow. So now it's off to bed I go...

Tradition!

I love Fiddler on the Roof! One of my favorite things about the film I think is how the Jewish culture is so grounded in their traditions. Speaking of which, have you ever noticed how family oriented the holidays tend to be? Sometimes it makes hard I think, because I'm at an age where I can't participate in many traditions my family had growing up. We would always put up the tree, for example, the day after Thanksgiving. For the past 4 years I have been unable to do so. Heck, I haven't even been home for Thanksgiving in the past four years. Yet, I'm grateful that my boss is letting me go so long for Christmas considering the little amount of seniority I have.

Though I have been thinking maybe it is time to start my own traditions, but I have no idea what. I want to enjoy the life that I have and maybe this is one way to do so.

One more week...

and school will be over. It is hectic and crazy to say the least. A lot is going on in my life now, but have patience. I'll be back in a week.

Graduation Obsessions

There is no other way to describe it. I can't stop thinking about the day I write the last page of a paper, and close the last book (figuratively). I am weary of school. And my job--honestly much as I appreciate it, isn't fulfilling. Many grandiose dreams of moving somewhere and starting over is beginning to appeal to me.

Before I decided to transfer colleges, I considered not completing my degree and going straight into the workforce. One such job I really wanted to do (and still do) was to be a nanny/governess. I was almost hired by a military couple in D.C. who had a 2 year boy and a newborn on the way. I would watch them 60 hours a week, have my own room, eat with the family, take them on outings, appointments, do light housekeeping and whatever else the job requested. I was so thrilled to be considered for the position, but at the last minute they decided not hire me.

I remember how disappointed I was--since it was my dream job and everything. In the end it was good because I ended up going to Liberty and obtained a job and the opportunity to finish my degree. So as it stands now, I will graduate with my Bachelor of Science degree in May. Will I stay for 2-3 more years and get my Masters? Honestly, I don't know. My dad thinks I should take advantage of it and it makes sense to me, but I am getting restless here. A part of me wants to take the diploma and move on.

So today I renewed my account with an agency that places candidates with families and posted that I was available in May 2009. I don't know if anything will come out of it, but I'm thinking that I should keep as many options open as I can. Also, I need to get certified for first aid and CPR since that will be beneficial regardless of whether or not I end up in this field.

Dreams. I still remember that quote, "It is not what you dream that determines what you become. It is what you do--everyday of your life." It is kind of exciting not knowing how this will turn out.

Yay for 24-hour grocery stores :)

I have spent most of the weekend, yesterday, and today working a paper that I was really struggling with finishing. It was past the deadline and I wanted to be done with it--which was compounded by the fact I became sick over the weekend and tried to get back to "normal" too.

I finally finished it today at the stroke of midnight. As I clicked "send" with one hand, my other hand slapped my forehead as I remembered I was responsible for making desert for tomorrow's (er...today's) office party. So I badgered my friend into joining me at the nearby 24-hour Kroger so I could responsibly satisfy every one's sweet tooth like I promised. I wanted the company to keep me awake and in case I ran into un-named persons whom I didn't wish to see. (You know who you are, and yes I wanted to see you...)

I finally bought everything and instead of putting the items away, I'm staring down the grocery bags hoping to scare the food into jumping in the refrigerator and cupboards by themselves. Hey, it worked for Mary Poppins. Bleh. How do I get myself into such predicaments?

Well thanks to the unsafe amounts of coffee I consumed while working on said paper, I'm very awake and should make my desert before these side effects wear off. I do need to get my sleep so I can work on the next research paper. O_o It never ends does it?

So good night...*squints at clock* uh I mean good morning...

Rest

I slept in this morning and woke up determined to have a great weekend. I puttered around the apartment and then drove over to one of my favorite clothing stores to window shop--not that I can buy anything, but it's always fun to look. It gives me ideas of how I can put outfits together in different ways. I know that sounds shallow, but it helps me to make the most of what I already have. After that I decided to treat myself to lunch since I don't go out to eat anymore. Amazing how many different looks people give you when you eat alone. I had Mexican food which is one of my favorites so I didn't really care. Now that I'm back I made three cups of coffee (ah warmth!) and feel really motivated to get stuff done--only I need to clean up around here so I can find what I'm looking for. Later I'm going grocery shopping to get some food for the week ahead.

I need to start working out more so I'm going to start easing into a routine of doing so this weekend. On a serious side, I am giving thought as to what I'm doing everyday to go after my dreams. Am I taking deliberate steps to get to where I want to go or am I just drifting? I do know that it is not what you dream that determines what you become-it is what you do everyday of your life.

Where are the Champions?

Recently Jerry Falwell Jr. sent a mass email to staff, faculty and students over the fact that students on campus were making derogatory remarks to those who supported the left-wing party for this year's election. Before I go any further, I want to make clear that I voted for neither party this year--so I don't have anything to gain by dissing one or supporting another.

However, what bothers me the most is not what Jerry requested us to do--to be respectful to both sides--I agree with that sentiment. What bothers me is what he didn't say. That just because we need to be respectful doesn't mean we can't or shouldn't stand up for our beliefs. Now it's hard to be quiet when you overhear a Liberty (?!) student say "I don't care how many more abortions we have. We made history today and I get to tell my grand kids about it!". It is all I can do to not say "Yeah you will--if those grand babies aren't killed first." In fact it may have been one those times to be "disrespectful". Do you not see the irony in that?

I doubt Falwell Sr. would have responded in the same way. He was know for standing his ground time after time even when the media and the world mocked him. The University is rapidly changing-amusements like indoor soccer fields and ski slopes are being built, we even now have a Democrats club, and enrollment keeps soaring since almost all students that apply become accepted. However, with all this growth and change, I still remember a verse from Proverbs: "Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set" (22:28). Change is not always a bad thing. I do ask that Liberty doesn't change so much that we lose sight of all the things we once stood for.

What did the university stand for? If I recalled correctly, it was Christ-centered men and women who were principled and had a strong work ethic. In the light of this election I haven't seen much of those things. Jerry's vision was that we would make a difference in the world and be "champions for Christ". The Bible says where there is no vision, the people perish. This vision though begins here on campus--in the small town of Lynchburg. If we cannot make a difference with the people God puts on our path every day, what hope do we have with the lost and unsaved world? Let us not lose our vision, lest we perish.

Random Questions

A friend of mine posted a survey on her blog and it looked fun so I decided to repost it and see what answers I came up with.

Do you have an older​ sibli​ng?​
nope

How many kids do you want?​
four

Do you think​ you will be in a relat​ionsh​ip 3 month​s from now?
who knows?

Have you ever kisse​d anyon​e with a name start​ing with S?
if my mom counts, then yes

Did anyon​e watch​ you the last time you kisse​d someo​ne?​
no

You have to get a facia​l pierc​ing,​ what do you get?
my ears?

You have to get a tatto​o,​ where​ and what do you get?
I am a chicken but I'll be ok with a temporary one on my ankle...poor dad.

What are you weari​ng?​
Jeans and comfty hoody

Do you miss anyon​e?​
yes friends and family...being alone sucks

When is the last time someo​ne of the oppos​ite sex gave you a hug?
sunday school?

Have you ever touch​ed an eleph​ant?​
noooo

Plans​ for tomor​row?​
church and homework. what fun!

Anyth​ing hurti​ng?​
mah head

Do you have a good relat​ionsh​ip with your paren​t(​s)​?​
more with mom than dad

Are any of your frien​ds talle​r than you?
a few

What were you doing​ this morni​ng at 8?
sleeping

What were you doing​ 10 minut​es ago?
chattin on im

Do you like the ocean​?​
yeah...one of the things I miss about Florida.

Would​ you rathe​r sleep​ with someo​ne else,​ or alone​?​
someone else, but I won't cuz I'm not married

How many windo​ws are open on your compu​ter?​
three...a lot more at work tho ;)

How many myspa​ce profi​les have you had?
never...myspace is lame

When was the last time you cried​?​
I'm not going there.

Where​ did your last hug take place​?​
um...with Aimee?

Who was the last perso​n you talke​d to on the phone​?​
the Dentist's office...wow I have a great social life...

Who was the first​ perso​n you talke​d to today​?​
Aimee :)

Has anyon​e of the oppos​ite sex told you they loved​ you?
no...and brothers do not count

Who was the last perso​n you rode in a car with?​
Aimee...the poor girl...

When was the last time you cried​ reall​y,​ reall​y hard?​
Not going there either...

What woke you up this morni​ng?​
um don't know, just woke up

What color​ is your hair?​
dark brown which my bro thinks is black

When was the last time you talke​d to one of your sibli​ngs?​
its been a few weeks...oh election day

Is your hair curly​ or strai​ght?​
curly and aggravating

Who did you last eat with and what?​
myself and good ol' ramen

Do you wear glass​es?​
nope, I am so blessed

Are you curre​ntly jealo​us?​
of whom? nah

What jewel​ery are you curre​ntly weari​ng?​
a small ring on my pinkie finger, silver watch and purple necklace

What were you doing​ at 10 pm Frida​y night​?​
watching tv

Have you ever had your heart​ broke​n?​
i don't know

Have you ever broke​n someo​nes heart​?​
who knows? not that I try to or anything...

Could​ you go the rest of your life witho​ut smoki​ng a cigar​ette?​
Yes

One word on somet​hing you disli​ke about​ the day you'​re havin​g.​
Ansty.

What was the last reaso​n you went to the docto​r for?
not saying

Have you ever in anywa​y,​ been betra​yed by someo​ne you trust​?​
yes.

How late did you stay up last night​ and why?
midnightish...was watching tv and talkin on im

Are you picky​ about​ who you give your numbe​r to?
yes

What do you prefe​r:​ Pizza​ Hut or Domin​o’s?​
maybe Dominos...dunno

Would​ you rathe​r go to Greec​e or Hawai​i?​
Hawaii!!

Last time you walke​d furth​er than a block​?​
yesterday

Did you have a good birth​day this year?​
yeah, it was my first one way from home tho...kinda bittersweet

Do horro​r movie​s actua​lly horri​fy you?
I hate horror movies ><

If your docto​r told you TODAY​ that you were pregn​ant,​ what would​ you say?
"Who told you to do this and how much did they pay you???"

Do you trust​ all of your frien​ds?​
Not all, but some.

Would​ you move to anoth​er state​ or count​ry to be with the one you love?​
Yes.

Do you belie​ve that every​thing​ happe​ns for a reaso​n?​
yes

Can you make a dolla​r in chang​e right​ now?
no I am too poor lol

Which​ one of your frien​ds do you think​ would​ make the best docto​r?​
I'm scared to answer this question...none I think.

Are you afrai​d of falli​ng in love?​
I don't know, it might be nice.

Is there​ someo​ne who pops into your mind at rando​m times​?​
No one in particular.

When was the last time you flew in a plane​?​
For Christmas last year...I love plane rides.

What did the last text messa​ge you sent say?
The library is closed...

What is a goal you would​ like to accom​plish​ in the near futur​e?​
Graduate, get a job I could be excited about, and hopefully get married and settle down.

If you were to wake up from being​ in a coma for an exten​ded time who would​ you call?​
the parents

How many kids do you want to have?​
did I answer this already? four

Would​ you make a good paren​t?​
I think so.

Where​ was your defau​lt pictu​re taken​?​
in my living room

Whats​ your middl​e name?​
Frances.

Hones​tly,​ whats​ on your mind right​ now?
Fiddler on the Roof.

If you could​ go back in time and chang​e somet​hing,​ what would​ it be?
I don't want to dwell on past mistakes. What is done is done, just learn from it and keep moving forward.

Who was or will be the maid of honor​/​ best man in your weddi​ng?​
I haven't thought about it.

What are you weari​ng right​ now?
Jeans/hoodie

Right​y or Lefty​?​
Lefty.

Best place​ to eat?
Olive Garden!!

Favor​ite jeans​?​
the boot cut ones

Have you had the chick​en pox?
i think when i was a baby

Have you had a sore throa​t?​
many times

Who knows​ you the best?​
My brother

Do you wear conta​ct lense​s or glass​es?​
neither

Been to Mexic​o?​
never

Did you buy somet​hing today​?​
fiddler on the roof! and ramen...

Did you get sick today​?​
no

Do you miss someo​ne today​?​
yes :(

Did you get in a fight​ with someo​ne today​?​
*sigh* no

When is the last time you had a massa​ge?​
gosh I can't remember...that is so sad lol

Last perso​n to lay in your bed?
me

Last perso​n to see you cry?
probably Aimee

Who made you cry?
not saying

What was the last TV show you watch​ed?​
The Cosby Show

What are your plans​ for the weeke​nd?​
church, homework, and try to do at least one fun thing...

Who do you think​ will repos​t this?​
not sure.

Who was the last perso​n you hung out with?​
Aimee

If your signi​fican​t other​ asked​ you to marry​ them TODAY​ what would​ you say?
don't have one.

Adulthood

Why is being an adult so disappointing? We spend our whole childhood looking forward to this mysterious stage in life where we can do what we want and go wherever we wish. Only we find out it doesn't exactly work that way. A lot of people still act like they did in high school-immature and self-centered.

Speaking for myself, I feel so stuck most days. All I ever do is work, sleep, and eat and I can't help but wonder if I left my best years behind me. In high school I was a leader of a community service club, a newsletter editor, a choir member, a team leader for my youth group, and a winner of several oratorical competitions which I really miss doing. My senior year I capped my high school career by placing 4th in the nation. Upon returning home the mayor asked me to be the guest speaker for the city's flag day ceremony. Those days were exciting. I felt like I was contributing and working towards great things.

Now? I'm just another adult in this great country that drives to and from work every day, fixes dinner, tries to stay awake to do homework, and goes to bed. Then repeats the same routine everyday for who knows how long. I want to do those big things I used to do. As a friend of mine said, "...it seems like adult life squelches the dreams of one's youth, but hopefully they can be rekindled".

Blessings

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I've been considering how much have to be grateful for. It never ceases to amaze me how good life is when I take the time to remind myself.

I have a job that lets me go to school, have a roof over my head, pay the bills, and provides me insurance to take care of my health.

I have a great car that gets me from point A to B and so far has been very reliable.

I've been blessed with friends who've been there in the good times and bad, and who have made me grow just from being around them.

In the south I have a family who are eager to see me for Christmas vacation and have every moment planned from the time I step off the plane.

I have landlords who have been more than patient with me when I couldn't pay rent upfront on rare occasions. And have been more than willing to help me even when I haven't asked for it.

I have a very patient and understanding boss who is flexible and willing to work with me.

I am one semester away from graduation--and from whatever is next.

I know I have a great future ahead of me and it is full of promise; many of my classmates from high school are still in the same town I left--I don't want to take the opportunities I have for granted or to waste them.

I have my faith which has sustained even in my hardest times.

I have heroes from the past and present that have gone before me and gave me a reason to dream big and live outside the box.

And to my readers, have a great Thanksgiving and never forget how much He has done for you.

Memories

It surprises me how when I think about my growing up years that there are memories that I find more prominent than others. The things I remember most are not extravagant or overly emotional. It's the hum of the car lulling me to sleep under a star splattered sky. It's the small country church that found excuses almost every Sunday for a potluck dinner. It's the fishes that nibbled my toes at our lake. It's the beanbag chairs that cushioned the floor while we watched our favorite programs. It's the faint glow of candles illuminating faces on Christmas eve. It is all the sunsets and sunrises. It's the park visits, swimming pool, kids next door, Popsicle treats, nature walks, homemade brownies with ice cream, bonfires, last day of school...and I could go on.

Memories can hurt too it seems. They say time heals wounds which seems to be true until unexpected reminders appear. The ache and twinge returns along with the barrage of "what ifs?". And why? As the tears push their way to the surface and the ache deepens, you try to remember that just as life goes on, so should you. And to forgive once again. There is no simplistic formula, it's trying over and over again until hopefully one day the reminders don't work anymore. It's grasping the hand of God even if you're afraid.

He Died for Me

I love this hymn...

John Newton / Edwin O. Excell

I saw One hanging on a tree,
In agony and blood;
He fixed His languid eyes on me,
As near His cross I stood.

Sure, never, till my latest breath,
Can I forget that look:
It seemed to charge me with His death,
Tho' not a word He spoke.

My conscience felt and owned the guilt,
And plunged me in despair;
I saw my sins His blood had spilt
And helped to nail Him there.

Alas! I know not what I did,
But now my tears are vain:
Where shall my trembling soul be hid?
For I the Lord have slain.

A second look He gave, which said,
"I freely all forgive:
This blood is for thy ransom paid,
I die that thou may'st live."

Chorus:
Oh, can it be, upon a tree
The Savior died for me?
My soul is thrilled,
My heart is filled,
To think He died for me!

How to win friends and influence people

Dale Carnegie wrote such a book a few decades ago and it should be a required course in high schools in my opinion. When I think about it 99% of problems we have stems from people. Breakdowns in communication, tempers, annoyances, and other issues begin with people. I am having some problems with resolving some disagreements and am trying to figure out how to best approach it. This doesn't include the other stuff on my mind like how I am going to take 14 credit hours of school while working full-time next semester. Now that I'm thinking about it what energy drinks are most effective?

peace

For one of my classes I had to share what helped me grow in my faith. I can think of many things: memorizing scripture, praying, Bible reading, church attendance, fellowship with Christian friends, tithing, etc. But the one that has helped me the most is the hymns I have memorized. A few years ago I came across an old hymnal at a library sale which I bought and memorized throughout the years. One of my favorite things about hymns is how many of them are almost word for word identical to verses in the Bible. The Bible promises that his Word will not return void, and many times in my hardest circumstances, I would remember a hymn that gave me comfort or strength.

An example was my sophomore year of college. I was at a really strict school and I worked on campus 25 hours a week to help pay for my studies. My co-worker and I were harassed by a married man who worked there. In the end when I finally reported it, I was interrogated for hours multiple times, and told not to tell anyone. Since I didn't have any proof I was accused of lying about it--and the penalty for that was expulsion. My coworker was in her last semester of school was a risk of getting expelled too since I reported for both of us. I was never so scared, stressed, alone, and drained as I was that week. The next day when I walked to work, not knowing what to expect I then remembered a hymn out of the blue. A part of it is:

Far away in the depths of my spirit tonight
Rolls a melody sweeter than psalm;
In celestial strains it unceasingly falls
O’er my soul like an infinite calm

Ah, soul! are you here without comfort and rest,
Marching down the rough pathway of time?
Make Jesus your Friend ere the shadows grow dark;
O accept of this peace so sublime!

Remember those words just gave me an incredible calm and peace. In the end he was moved to another department, but it was one of many reasons why I transferred to Liberty. I often find when other people are struggling I don't know what to say, but I often know what to sing. The Bible says we are to sing to one other as a means of encouragement and that is very rare to find from my experience. One of my favorite verses is from Job when he just received the most devastating news. He arose, shaved his head, rent his mantle, and fell upon the ground and worshiped. No matter what happens around us, God wants to hear us sing.

time is vapor

I need to go to the bank, grocery shop, drop books off at the library, and finish some homework. I want to make muffins which I'll do after I get up from this couch. If I could I'd share em with my loyal readers. :) I am very tired and looking forward to the upcoming holidays. The weekends go by waaaay to fast.

My Life Philosophy

There are worse things.

This is one of my favorite sayings. Unfortunately, I didn't invent it. My brother has reminded me of it frequently until it was permanently lodged in my bitty brain. I believe it (though I don't always feel it) to be completely true. Why? Is it even Biblical? And to that I say, yes. Yes, because nothing...absolutely nothing can compare to what Christ went through in his life and ultimately on the cross. The worst thing that can ever happen, did happen to Him.

We feel the pang of loneliness; God turned his back on him.

People wound us with their words; A spear was thrust in His side.

We struggle with forgetting the past; He knew all--past, present and future--imagine the weight and agony of that knowledge!

Tears threaten our masked faces; He had sweat-drops of blood.

Desire for revenge stirs in us; He whispered "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do".

At Calvary by M.H.

Calvary covers it all,
We cheerfully and loudly sing.
But, lest we ever forget...
What happened in Gethsemane,

Let's walk along the way of sorrows,
Among the blood spilled ground.
Can you see the hands--our hands--
that thrust the thorns in His brow?
Can you hear the cries of Mary
as she falls, weeping, on the ground?
Can you feel the whips,
that tore through his skin?
Can watch Him rise,
only to fall once again?
Can you hear the screams of Jesus,
as His beard was ripped from His face?
Can you realize it was MY sin...
that brought Him this disgrace.

But as the old hymn whispers:
My sin! Oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross,
And I bear it no more...
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord!
Oh, my soul!

Indeed, there are worse things. What a mighty God--who can turn the worst thing into something wonderful for all mankind!

zzzzzzzzzzz

I am so sleepy. Very, very sleepy. My compy is sick so I'm typing this on the office computer; I really hope my compy gets fixed soon. *sigh* I need to pick up rolls for a fall festival lunch my department is having tomorrow, do my laundry, try to exercise, do homework on the library computer before midnight, and pay bills. Wow, my life is so exciting. I think I'll have spaghetti for dinner. That should spice things up.

Surely...

Hymns randomly pop in my head. What can I say? But these are the words that came and comforted me during this long day. Read it slowly and savor it. Ah words of life and beauty...

A pilgrim was I, and a wandering,
In the cold night of sin I did roam,
When Jesus the kind Shepherd found me,
And now I am on my way home.


Chorus:
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days, all the days of my life;
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days, all the days of my life.

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever,
And I shall feast at the table spread for me;
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days, all the days of my life.


Verse 2:
He restoreth my soul when I'm weary,
He giveth me strength day by day;
He leads me beside the still waters,
He guards me each step of the way.


Verse 3:
When I walk through the dark lonesome valley,
My savior will walk with me there;
And safely His great hand will lead me
To the mansions He's gone to prepare.

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

In case you didn't pick it up, the title is actually a book I once read as a kid. It also happens to describe my day today. *exhales*

Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness, out of shame,
By the cross you are the truth, you are the light, you are the way...

Why???

I seem to handle things as well as a tangled web--trip over just one line until before I know it I'm smothered underneath the wispy strands. I hate being the bad guy, but why can't people realize that when I actually do speak up about something it really bothers me? At the risk of sounding like a teenager--like really.

I did go away for a weekend, enjoyed myself, learned a lot, and had a great time. Now that I'm back I'm trying not to drown under the emails I have to answer at work and the homework I need to do. And I'm worried about finances. For few days I've been worth a negative balance, but payday has come and gone and my mind is trying to split the money I now have into neat categories: rent, insurance, food, gas, credit card, tithe... Problem is trying to make it stretch that far. Maybe money needs to be made out of spandex instead of paper. Sorry for that random detour.

And I don't think I'm eating enough. I've been trying to track the foods I do eat and often barely reach the 1,000 calorie mark. Considering I'm supposed to have at least 1,500 a day I don't think that's enough. For example today I had two small muffins and hot tea for breakfast, a ham/cheese sandwich with apple juice for lunch, and rice with bread and butter for dinner. There doesn't seem to be a lot of substance in my diet, but I can't seem to work up an appetite for anything. Regardless I become full very quickly; on the way back my group stopped at Subway, where I got a 6" sandwich with a glass of water. It looked so pitiful next to the footlong sandwich, potato chips, soda, and cookies the girl next to me had. I felt full after eating just half of mine but I made myself eat the rest anyways.

I'm also considering making an appointment (once I have the money) at UVA to see if I could be a candidate for a cochlear implant. Not that I will per se, but I am curious to know one way or another.

I'm really tired all of sudden. It's been a long day and I'm going to bed.

Loneliness...

*sigh* This is a somewhat humorous section from an article I read. I can relate to it more than I'd like to admit.

If there's an organ in the body that causes loneliness, I'm sure it's located near the stomach. When I'm really hungry I'll eat anything—lettuce, ice, dried pasta, frozen peas. The same is true when I'm lonely. I'll look anywhere or do anything to stop the hunger.

I know I'm lonely when I check my e-mail, click on another site, and then check my box again to see if mail came in. Maybe I missed something. Sometimes I dial the voicemail on my cell phone to check for messages, even though the very colorful and accurate display screen reads "no new messages." Maybe the screen messed up. When I get home from work, my first stop if my office to check my phone. Aha! The little green light on my caller ID box is flashing. A new message! I dial into the system. I punch in my code. I wait. I frown. I hang up. Another telemarketer wants to sell me solar heating for my pool.

As that unidentified organ near my stomach begins to pump the lonely feeling into my body from ears to toes, I resort to the backup plan. Noise, motion, a task, any distraction is all I need to stave off the growing hunger. I turn on the radio. Nuts! Commercials. I turn on the TV. Fifty-five channels of boredom. I eat. I just bought these cookies, how can they be stale? I drink. Remember to buy more milk. I sleep. Why do all my neighbors have dogs? I do laundry. I mow the lawn. I write out bills. I make my bed. I play video games. I write. I run errands. I organize my closet. I read. I vacuum. I desperately search for any distraction to deaden the pain. The rest of the article can be read here: http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/mind60621.html

Now, I must pack for a sojourn, a vacation. Hopefully it'll distract me from myself--cynical as that sounds.

When Nothing Makes Sense

I'm eating "Death by Chocolate" while some sappy movie is on TV and my roommate is chatting with her boyfriend.

Tapping computer keys.
Sitting near phone.
Silence.
Ache.
Loneliness.

Flickering TV screen.
Dim halo from lamp.
Music.
Words.
Tiredness.

Sipping from glass.
Spoonful of sugar.
Dreams.
Wonder.
Warmth.

Rising early.
Stumbling in dark.
Commute.
Labor.
Clock.

Whispers from friends.
Warm embraces.
Encouragement.
Strength.
Smiles.

Life vanishing as vapor.
Sinking in thought.
Legacy.
Sadness.
Tears.

Fading wallpaper.
Wilting flowers.
Gasp.
Passing.
Heaven.

Turning of page.
Dropping roses.
Memories.
Hankerchiefs.
Sunset.

-Molly H.

Snippets of Everyday Moments--Present and Future

Teaching mathematics. Sadness. Hiking Sharptop mountain. Old hymns. Introduction to counseling. Hugs. Dance lessons. Friendships. Sending emails. Dreams. Finishing a good book. Home. Practicing ASL. Ah soul are you here without comfort or rest, marching down the rough pathway of time?

Hope. Shopping. Shivering in a cold car. Beach retreat. Hurting. Trying a new recipe. Old friends. Does Jesus care when my way grows dark, with nameless dread or fear?

Re-arranging furniture. Journaling. Updating blog. Anticipation. Instant messaging. Frustration. Thunder. There is within my spirit tonight, rolls a melody sweeter than psalm.

Sunsets. Short prayers. Cleaning. Long talks with mom. Texting. Writing poems. Oh yes, He cares. I know He cares. His heart is touched with my grief.

Sleep. At last.

Favorite Movie Quote

Sam: By rights we shouldn’t even be here, but we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo… the ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. How could the end be happy? How can the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end it’s only a passing thing this shadow, even darkness pass. A new day will come, and when the sun shines it’ll shine out the clearer. Those are the stories that stayed with you that meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going, because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding on to, Sam?

Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.

-Lord of the Rings

Reflection

It is the weekend yet again. Though I didn't sleep in for as long as I wanted to, I still feel well rested. I got my ballet uniform and shoes last night and I'm so excited to begin my classes this Monday. It has been one of my dreams to go on pointe and I'm ready to work towards that. :)

The other day after I left work, I jumped in my car for the sojourn home and when I started it...nothing. I looked at my steering and realized I left my headlights on--all day. Dagumit. So it had to be jump started by a poor fellow who I'm sure was just as eager to get home as I was. Being the paranoid person I am, I bought a brand new battery just in case. My friend, who shall remain nameless, made me get a free test last night at an auto shop. Alas it appears to be fine, so I will take the new one back and use my money for better things like--ah I don't know. I'm sure some random bill will arrive and snatch it away.

So this past year has been one of the hardest I can remember. I will spare my readers the details, but I am learning now how to move on. This is actually freeing when I'm able to remember to do so. As the apostle Paul said, "but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." So even more than having things to look forward to, such as making new friends, decorating my apartment, taking ballet lessons, I look forward to the day when I can look back and see how it's made me in to the person God wanted me.

As one of my favorite hymns says:

Sometimes mid scenes of deepest gloom,
Sometimes where Eden's bowers bloom,
By waters still, over troubled sea,
Still 'tis His hand that leadeth me.

Lord, I would place my hand in Thine,
Nor ever murmur nor repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since 'tis my God that leadeth me.

The Rainy Day

A friend of mine shared a poem today written by Tennyson and it made me want to look up all the poems I've liked. I'm including one here written by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

The Rainy Day

The day is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
The vine still clings to the moldering wall,
But at every gust the dead leaves fall,
And the day is dark and dreary.

My life is cold, and dark, and dreary;
It rains, and the wind is never weary;
My thoughts still cling to the moldering Past,
But the hopes of youth fall thick in the blast
And the days are dark and dreary.

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;
Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;
Thy fate is the common fate of all,
Into each life some rain must fall,
Some days must be dark and dreary.

Happiness

AHHH! I love people! Whether talking for a hour after church or hanging out with old and new chums, I am at my happiest when I'm around people. I mean I know I need God and He helps me in many ways, but life seems much more bearable when you have others to share it with and to support you. I can't believe I have lived without this interaction for almost a year. No wonder I was so tired and discouraged most of the time. One of my interpreters at school wants to go out to lunch with me this week or next so I'm looking forward to it. :)

And...I got an email back from a dance studio in town and there is still time to sign up/audition for an adult ballet class. I am soooo jazzed about it! It's going to be like seeing an old friend when I put the leotard and ballet slippers on again.

I needa get make dinner and some chores done so I can go to bed. Farewell my friends.

A New Chapter

Ah, I love the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. My roommate thinks I look just like the actress Nia Vardalos--after she gets all primped up that is. :) I guess what is inspirational to me is that she didn't give in to the pressures to "find someone" but rather set out to follow her dreams. Of course along the way she met "him", but it seems to similar what I should do with my life. Enjoy it to the fullest, go after my dreams, and not be too concerned with what other people think of me.

And I just realized, I went after one of my dreams this week and got my car. I love it! The freedoms, independence, and sheesh, why didn't I get one a long time ago? Well I didn't have the money, but oh well. But now that I have a car I'm going to try to be involved with church and other social functions. I think that's one reason why this past year has been so hard--not getting to be around people as often as I wanted or needed to.

I have new ideas I want to implement at work to hopefully make things more streamlined and efficient--not that I have a lot to do anyways. Oh, and I start two online classes in a couple weeks and I'm actually looking forward to them. Anything to bring me one step closer to graduation day in May 2009. I'm taking counseling and teaching math which I think will be more interesting than my previous classes. Now that I have a car, I'm going to look at ballet lessons once again--after several long years of waiting. :D

Sleepless in seatle...or wherever

Yes. I know. It is 3:30 in the morning and therefore I'm insane. But that's what happens when you don't get home until 6pm after working all day. I made a baked potato for dinner with all the trimmings, and attempted to watch a movie with my roommate--but fell asleep on the couch not long after the opening credits. So I woke up and panicked when I saw the time on my laptop was 11:30. My thought was I overslept and totally missed my ride to work...till I realized it was pm and not am. And I have been awake ever since.

I'm picking up my car at the DMV this morning at 8 so I've been looking up info and seeing what I have to bring. I've got my documents together, my check, and other stuff all neatly stacked near my purse at the door. I still feel like I'm forgetting something important though. Argh, I hate that feeling. I'm going to be very broke for a while, but I guess you can't put a price tag on independence. I'm sure Aimee will enjoy the extra few minutes of sleep, but I know I'll miss the random moments that keep me from taking myself too seriously. Her sign language skills are improving so rapidly--I feel like a proud momma. We had a convo in sign during lunch today and we only talked about other people around us. The poor souls. It was so hilarious. :)

Only two more days till the weekend. I'm going to be so dead when it comes. There's been way too much drama this week, but I'm going wash my hands of it. Hopefully, it can only get better from here on out...

Argh!!!

I'll be honest. I want revenge. I'm tired of hurting and not seeing someone pay for it. I want to scream and hit till I'm blue in the face. I've forgiven this person, but I didn't know I'd have to do it more than once every day. It's just not fair...

Beneath the surface...

If there is anything I have learned from being on my own this past year, it is that people have a preoccupation with appearances. Many times, more than I can count, I have been surprised to see sides of people that I never knew existed. Like the stackable dolls with a gem inside or a shiny apple with a rotten core, we all have secrets--whether good or bad. Christians especially are not exempt from this. I am reminded of how God whispers-"I do not see as man sees. For man looks at the outward appearance, but I look at the heart." So how are our hearts? Are we real with other people about our struggles so that we can support and encourage another? Or do we feel we have to put walls around our weakness and wear smiles to hide our pain? I read a prayer that captured this on another blog which I'm borrowing here:

"Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her kids.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those that are close to us, but to all humanity. Amen"

Summer Camp

Like most kids I went to camp during the summer, and did the traditional campfire songs, games, late night stories in bunk beds and so forth. Strange that I'm considering going to camp again at my age, but of a different sort. I've been thinking of Focus on the Family Institute summer camp for college students/graduates or something similar. It's basically leadership training in the mountains of Colorado where I would live for three months. I have been in leadership positions, but I feel woefully inadequate for leadership. It might be a good idea to stretch myself and take on roles that I'm not used to having. Its something to think about between now and then.

*yawn*

I am so zoned out. My mind is on the plane cruising at an altitude of 14,000 feet in the air southbound to Florida. My mom has several things planned for me when I fly home in December and I want to be there and not here. I miss home and I'm sad because I think it'll be the last time I'll see my dog alive. She has arthritis and doesn't hear as well as she used to. Being almost 14 years old, I guess she has a right to be. My roommate's birthday is this Sunday and I needa get her a card before I forget. I am mostly aggravated over my lack of transportation and Monday I'll have a mechanic look at a car I'm interested in. If it goes well I'm going to buy it, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. Since I am tired and cranky now, so far I have succeeded in putting a damper on my hopes. I'm not completely over some things, but I have more good days than bad days and hope is starting to overtake the hurt I had. My current encouragement is a verse that runs in my head like a broken record:

Life's day will soon be o'er, all storms forever past,
We'll cross the great divide, to glory, safe at last;
We'll share the joys of heav'n - a harp, a home, a crown,
The tempter will be banished, we'll lay our burden down.

Fall is here!!!

The weather is so cool and crisp today and I love it! Soon we'll use the fireplace in my new apartment and I'm so excited over this fresh new season and start. Warm soups, falling leaves, good books by the fire, football games, and cute sweaters--all these signal a turning of a chapter in time for me. A time when I feel like all the bad is behind me, and I can set out to accomplish everything I've wanted to do.

:(

Now I'm mostly sad about some things and scared over the blank slate of my future stretching out before me. So much is unknown to me and sometimes I wish it wasn't. Last night my friend and I got dressed to the nines and went to wal-mart so I could get a new camera I've been waiting so long for. We then went to Candlers Mountain and looked over all of Lynchburg during the deep night while the city slept and the lights shone from every street corner. There was nary a person or car in sight and everything was at a standstill. Everything closes at 9 anyways in the 'burg. It was beautiful sight...and why am I being so nostalgic? I'm going to bed before I get all weepy and sentimental.

Do you know me?
Can your eyes pierce my soul?
Do you know me?
Though I appear to be in control?

Here I stand before you
Wanting to tear down my walls
This I'm afraid to do,
I don't want to ever fall...

Do you know me?
Can you see the tears I hide?
Do you know me?
Enough to see past the lies?

At foot of cross I stand
So tired, weak and worn,
Lord please just hold my hand
I don't want this anymore.

Do you know me?
When I feel I'm alone?
Do you know me?
Enough to make me your own?
Molly H.

Help me Understand

This one life
one heart
one mind
and one soul.

Inhabits a speck
of land on
one earth
just one time.

Illusions crumble,
dreams fail
hearts break
and yet...

He.
Is.
Still.
There.

Spinning the planets,
melting the earth
painting the sky
and holding...

All things
In
His
sovereign plan.

We wonder
Why?
How?
and He answers...

All things
were created
by me
and for me...

Just know
know
I hedge you
all times.

Behind.
Over.
Before.
Always.

Today.
Always.
Forever.
I am with you.

written by Molly H.

Another Saturday!

Let's see what there is to do today: make my budget, pay my bills, buy a new camera and hair straighter, add minutes to my phone, look at car ads, read my library books, do laundry, unload the dishwasher, clean my room and the bathroom, write a thank you note, call a friend, weed out emails, sign up for clep exams, buy books for D term, file papers, put hooks on the wall, pluck eyebrows, clean out purse, and exercise.

Last but not least, get energy to do all the aforesaid things without falling asleep all day.

Politics

I am getting frustrated with this upcoming election. I really don't like the candidates from either party and I'm disgusted that Christians in particular will follow the Republican party to the ends of the earth just because it's the "lesser of two evils". Whatever happened to voting for the most qualified? Who said we are responsible for the results? As for me I believe that we should vote as God would have us to, and leave the results to HIM.

And, this may bug some people, but I don't think a wishy washy McCain is the best choice for the country. Who cares if he has such a conservative vice president candidate? She's not going to be president, and is not going to be making the policies and decisions for our country. McCain will. Perchance McCain dies is she really fit to be president? What if she ends up drafting women for a war? Speaking of which, does it bother you at all that though she is pro-life she is obviously not pro-family? I mean she went back to work when her baby was three days old! Sorry, but that is not something to brag about lady.

Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't we have both a pro-life and pro-family stance in the White House? And why are we so focused on creating "history" that we fail to take this seriously? I don't think having a woman candidate is a sign of progress. Rather I think it's unbelievably sad that McCain didn't seem to think that there were any qualified men for the position. And if there wasn't, that's sadder still.

September 11

So today is the momentous day in our history, which all of us will remember when we glance at the calender, newspaper, and news. Today I overslept by an hour so I was late to work, but I'm working hard to make up for it. I'm tired, sick, and coughing up my lungs, but I am remembering a song I signed in a choir a few years back. It seems appropriate for today.

When I'm alone,
And I face the unknown,
And I fear what the future may be.
I'll never fear, for Jesus is near.
My Lord abides with me.

How can I fear?
For Jesus is near.
He ever watches and cares for me.
Worries all cease, He gives me peace,
How can I fear, I'm with Jesus.

Thought for the day...

"God will never ask you to give something up without placing something greater in your hands." - Liberty Convo

Bleh...

So tired...from crying off and on the past few days. The worst is when I want to cry, but I can't. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning despite the knowledge that other people have it worse than me. I feel like out in public, in the work/school world I have this plastic version of myself that is happy, cheerful, friendly and yet, all the while I'm hurting so bad inside. Lest my few readers think I'm suicidal, let me reassure you I'm not. Life does feel pointless at times though, and just when I think things are getting better I get knocked down again. I guess when it comes down to it, I just want to be loved and feel like I belong somewhere instead of drifting about. I know some situations are my own doing, but why does life have to be so freaken hard? Now, I need to make my lunch for tmrw and go to bed.

Running Away....

I want to be somewhere else and today I think I will. Maybe go to the civil war cemetary and read. Course, that place in the pic looks neat too...

:(

My word...what a wretched person I am! Someone once wrote, we have met our enemy and it is ourselves. That is all.

Yay for Saturdays!

I slept in, made a big bfast, had coffee, watched tv, read a great book, went shopping and got 10 new outfits for 30 dollars :), came home, did laundry, finished my book and just relaxed. Anyone wonder why I love the weekend? Oh, and I get to go home for Christmas! :) I'm still thinking deep thoughts, still being tempted and tried, and still struggling.

A quote from the book I read today: "We all have need of healing. And while our world spends billions of dollars each year on pills, potions, and procedures, it is all a shadow of what we need most. What good is a life prolonged if it only extends the season of cowardice and sin? What good is a new heart if it's only to be filled with hate or regret--or new eyes, if all they can see is criticism and intolerance?"

Hope

Remember, O Lord, Your tender mercies and Your lovingkindnesses,
For they have been from of old.
Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions;
According to Your mercy, remember me,
For Your goodness sake, O Lord.
For Your name's sake, O Lord,
Pardon my iniquity, for it is great.
My eyes are ever towards the Lord,
For He shall pluck my feet out of the net.
Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me,
For I am desolate and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have enlarged;
Oh, bring me out of my distresses!
Look on my affliction and pain,
And forgive all my sins.

I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me,
Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.

Ps. 25: 6-7, 11, 15-18; 116: 1-2

Hum...

Yes. I know it is midnight and I should be in bed. I am eating a late dinner of lucky charms while watching Bill Cosby and typing this. I have a zillion thoughts racing in my mind, like how I need to clean up the kitchen and my room, sign up for new classes, change my address on other stuff, write my grocery list, pluck my eyebrows, write a thank you note, load the dishwasher, and other boring mundane tasks. Today I worked for two hours, went out to eat, and came home and piddled on the compy for the rest of the evening. I can't wait for next Friday which is when I get off from work due to me volunteering to work on Labor day. Just a couple more weeks till my benefits kick in which means I'll finally have my own insurance. First thing I'm gonna do is get braces...I can't wait to have straight teeth!

Procrastinate? Ah, I'll do that tomorrow.

Wootah! Due to some Internet issues the deadline for my online class has been extended (for the second time) to Wednesday. Originally, it was due last night so this is great news for this cute procrastinator (aka me). Still I'm going to kick in gear (does that sound familiar?) and get half of my work done tonight and the other half tomorrow. Then I'm off for four 1/2 weeks! Yay, cuz I'm so weary. Being a full time student and worker is not as easy as some people think it is. I don't know how moms with 3 or 4 kids do it, since those make up the bulk of our DLP students. So anyways, I'm getting of of this thing and actually being responsible ;). Let's hope I finish well...

So...

As happy I am for my friend who (you know who you are) is planning to going back to school, I'm not. (I'll miss you!) September 15th I'll go back to school again--even if there is a two week overlap in the last two terms, but I need a break. Again. Within the past three weeks, I have literally turn my life upside down and everything is different from what it was before. I have a new residence, roommate, routines...new everything and all because of some drama that I don't wish to go into here. But it is behind me and I have this chance at a fresh start that I don't want to waste. I'm sad and down, but also energized. This new apartment is slowing becoming "my place", and I have the freedom to come and go as I please.

I have so many plans and ambitions that I want to accomplish. I still want to take ballet again, and I'm kicking in gear in looking for a car now. Still going to finish my degree (after the aforesaid break), decorate my place, go on a retreat to the beach in October, and see my folks again for either Thanksgiving or Christmas...yea there is still much to look forward to. For the first time, I truly feel independent. I'm budgeting the little money I have :), making my own (sometimes boxed, heh) lunches the night before, exercising almost every evening after dinner, and just enjoying being the queen of my little domain. I have a lot of less stress too (not completely gone, but manageable), and life is just slower-paced and calmer now.

It is not often that I get to have tears of joy.

Let Me Sing

I wanna open up my eyes
And see a more beautiful world
Let the hand of God Almighty
Sweep his colors through my life
I wanna hold tight to the laughter
And ride it like a child
On the winds that billow joyful
Through the sky

I wanna open up my heart
But you know, sometimes it's hard to find
Because I've buried it beneath the selfishness
That I've hidden behind
I wanna stand my ground unshaken
But I wanna tremble when I kneel
And let my song remain unbroken
Through the tears

So let me sing for the love
Let me love for the lost
Let me lose all I have
For what I found on the cross
Let me trust you with my life
Let me live to give you praise
Lord, let me praise you
For the grace by which I'm saved
Lord, let me sing

I wanna open up Your word
And let the thirsty enter in
So they can drink deep of the water
You have given to them
I want to run the race with vigor
I want to fight the fight with strength
And let my song rise from a whisper
To a scream

I wanna open up my arms
And embrace that old rugged cross
I wanna take pride in the reason
And be humbled by the cause
And when this lisping, stamm'ring tongue
Lies silent in the grave
Then in a nobler, sweeter song,
I'll sing your praise
I'll sing your praise

So let me sing for the love
Let me love for the lost
Let me lose all I have
For what I found on the cross
Let me trust you with my life
Let me live to give you praise
Lord, let me praise you
For the grace by which I'm saved
Lord, let me sing

Weekend Trip

The problem with going away is simply that you have to return.

The past weekend I had another chance to pack my overnight bag and take a second road trip this month. I felt so refreshed. The house my friend and I stayed at was beautiful and serene. In the morning, I sat outside on a porch deck, felt the wind rustle my hair, watched the birds gather their food, read my Bible, and prayed as I never had before. And I knew somehow things would be alright. For if the little birds had enough to eat--without worrying about their next meal--then I too will be cared for.

Traveling back home, I longed for the days when I went to camp in the summer. When life seemed so easy, so black and white. The days when my friends and I rallied for a similar cause--the cause of Christ and resolved to never waver from Him. We'd sing at the top of our lungs the camp theme song: We will press onward / for Christ is still the same / what He was in ages past / is what He will remain / and forevermore, that is what He will be / for time and eternity...and mean it with our whole hearts. Before every meal, we'd recite the theme verse: Whether therefore ye eat or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. And at night we'd sit under the stars, sing, and draw closer to God without the distractions of the world.

How I need the strength to press onward. To not let the ebb and flow of emotions determine my course of action. To do right...no matter what it may cost me. I know what is true and right, just for some reason it becomes more vivid and bolder when I get away from the known and familiar. Probably because I then can listen the small voice tugging away at my heart.

The problem with going away is simply that you have to return. However, I'm back in the 'burg with a new resolve to let Him use me however He deems fit.

Just As I Am

Just as I am, without one plea,
but that thy blood was shed for me,
and that thou bidst me come to thee,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, and waiting not
to rid my soul of one dark blot,
to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about
with many a conflict, many a doubt,
fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
sight, riches, healing of the mind,
yea, all I need in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thy love unknown
hath broken every barrier down;
now, to be thine, yea thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Road Trip!

Friday night I left to help a girl from church finish moving from Connecticut to here in Virginia. I love taking road trips and hadn't been on one in years, so when she asked me to accompany her I jumped at the chance.

Traveling to me is very inspiring and makes me want to accomplish all the things that I dream of doing. My favorite parts is getting to see downtown in each city we drive through. They are all similar in that they have tall buildings, but each has its own character and style--and I enjoy passing through each one.

We went through Northern VA, Maryland--near D.C, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, New York, and then finally Connecticut. Minus the 100 degree heat and the tempers that flared now and then over which way to turn, the whole thing was a great adventure. I got to pass through the Holland tunnel that connected Jersey City to NYC. I saw the wharf of NYC and smelt the moist air. For the first time I experienced the no self-service allowed gas stations in NJ--that I only heard about. Traveling back, I saw heat lightning in the east while the sun was setting in the west.

I saw the campus of Yale University--one of the most prestigious schools in America. It was beautiful with tall cathedral type buildings, and brick walkways lined with trees. I experienced the brash, rude, driving skills of new yorkers which confirmed my general dislike for them. I felt the rush of the big harried city of New York, and the calmness of the little towns that people drive through so quickly due to their size.

Also I drove more then I ever have at one time--for about 4 hours on Friday night and 3 hours Saturday night. I passed by countless truckers, farmers in pickup trucks, fancy SUVs, little coupes, and miles of endless terrain. The last hour I drove the faint vibration of the engine was starting to lure me to sleep--despite the cold air blasting through my window. I flashed my headlights to the moving van in front of me and pulled over to change drivers. After I moved to the backseat I fell asleep not long after.

I believe all experiences are opportunities to learn, and what I learned from this past weekend of traveling is to take chances, live live to the fullest and have no regrets.

Out of the mouths of children

Sometimes what children say convicts me far more then a rebuke from an adult ever could. Today I spent time with a lady who had four special needs children. One was a boy of 13 who was autistic among other things. He was small for his age and looked and acted around the age of 8 or 9. He was a very skilled signer though and signed as rapidly as he tried to talk--which was nonstop. :)

In the van on the way to McD's, he talked about his struggle with school, how he failed math, was off and on different meds, and had tendencies towards suicidal thoughts. As we got out the van, he stopped, stared at the ground, and simply stated, "I feel very sad now". I turned around and faced him. "Do you need a hug?" His eyes lit up, "yeah!" So I hugged him and asked, "Do you feel better now?"
"yeah thank you", he beamed.

We walked towards the entrance and he tapped me on the shoulder and said, "can I have another one?" Of course I gave him another hug and then he got excited/distracted at the sight of the playground. I could tell he wanted to play on it, but he hesitated. "Would you be okay if I played?"
Startled I said, "Yea, go on, have fun"
"But I don't want you to get lonely. You won't get lonely will you?"
I melted then and there. He had problems worse then mine and yet he was more concerned about the needs of others. He was what our society unfairly calls "feeble-minded" and yet he saw past my happy-go-lucky demeanor which fooled everyone else. Because in reality I did feel lonely. I don't know how he picked that up, but I signed to him, "I'll be ok, but thanks for asking." He ran off and I thought about how much smarter he was than I.

During a choir practice I went to today, a four year old boy somehow hit his finger on something and starting crying. He randomly stopped the flow of tears and shouted, "Everybody stop! We havta pray for my boo-boo right now!" Startled we all obeyed as he told us to bow our heads, close our eyes, and put our hands together. There was muffled laughter everywhere. He then prayed, "Dear Jesus, Thank you for my mom, thank you for my friends, help my brother to behave, thank you for my dad, make my finger better, and i pray for the cup on the table (?), for the cat, for the water fountain....for the teachers, for the all people in the world,....in Jesus' name, AMEN!!" Choir wasn't so exciting after that. :)

Hold Me Jesus

Sometimes my life just don't
Make sense at all
When the mountains look
So big, and my faith
Just seems so small
And I wake up in the night
And feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
There must be blisters
On my heart

Hold me Jesus
I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Hold me Jesus
Cause I'm shaking life a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Sometimes my life just don't
Make sense at all
When the mountains look
So big, and my faith
Just seems so small
And I wake up in the night
And feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
There must be blisters
On my heart

Surrender don't come naturally to me
I'd rather fight You for something
I don't really want, than
Take what You give that I need
Surrender don't come naturally to me
And I beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, falling on my knees

Saying hold me Jesus
Please hold me Jesus

Hold me Jesus
I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
Hold me Jesus
Cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Musings

I was talking with a friend today about how we would like to get married someday, but that there seems to be a shortage of "good" guys in the world except for our brothers. And we wondered how much of getting married is our responsibility and how much of it is God's doing? Obviously He's not going to plop the poor soul on my doorstep though He sorta did that to Eve. Only in reverse. My guess is that our responsibility is to avoid being hermits and put ourselves in positions where we'll meet people and trust Him to do the rest.

Sometimes I get discouraged, and think that no man could ever want me, that I'll be single for the rest of my life. Depressing as that is, I remember a pastor stating to college students, "Be the right one, and the right one will come along". So am I?

Is my tongue "the law of kindness"? My sarcasm probably disqualifies me here. Am I punctual? Not always, which means no. Do I do everything heartly, for the Lord? No, I care what people think too much. Am I faithful? Do I see things through, no matter the cost? *sigh* Do I love others, even if I'm not loved in return? I try. Am I modest, and try to keep other men's minds pure even when they look on me? Well I don't dress like I did at PCC. I am tempted to flaunt. But the hardest question, am I doing him good now, even before I meet him? All the days of my life? Lord help, I want to so badly but I fall short.

So where does that put me? It means I need to focus on three things: to seek God with all my heart, to serve others, and to trust Him. And to also not just set high standards for myself, but to expect the same of him. One poem I read says:

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for your socks and shirt--
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home;
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say "It is very good".

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did on the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean, so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.
by Lena Lathrop

So anyone with years of experience or wisdom that can chip in his two cents here?

So time marches on...

Now I'm 22 years old, newly promoted at work, independent, and trying to persevere. I read somewhere that when you are the closest to accomplishing something is when life will be the hardest. Not that life is hard per se, it's just a stupid restless feeling I have.

O to grace how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be. Let thy goodness like fetter, bind my my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wonder, Lord I feel it; prone to leave the God I love. Take my heart, oh take and seal it--fit for service up above.

I feel so very alone. And yet I'm not...

I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus Christ, a Nazarene. And wonder how He could love me, a sinner, condemned, unclean. How marvelous! How wonderful! And my song shall ever be--how marvelous, how wonderful is my Savior's love for me.

On an unrelated note my office threw a surprise party for my birthday. What would have been my first birthday away from home turned into a great memory. Thanks you guys!

I feel rich beyond words.

Life is good

I turn 22 very soon. :) My new job starts on June 1st. Am moving to a new apt in August with a cool roommate. Gonna get a car eventually. I have awesome friends. Life is good...the end.

It is well...

My last entry was, admittedly, very depressing. Not long after I posted it, I went for a walk to my secret place and spent an hour there just singing and thinking. I talked to a friend on IM, cleaned my room, and prayed some. I then couldn't remember what the heck I was so upset or sad about. How often do I forget that when I'm down in the dumps, if I would just go outside, talk to someone, and pray I'll feel better? My 22nd birthday is this week and I want this to be the year I grow stronger in my faith and take more risks. Lest I become too harsh on myself, I do need to admit that I've grown and changed a lot over the past year--hopefully for the better. A verse that keeps running in my head is David's plea to God in Ps. 139: "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." That is my desire for my 22nd year of my little life: that I would continue to seek Him and follow Him all of my days.

Search Me, O God

Search me, O God, and know my heart today,
Try me, O Savior, know my thoughts, I pray;
See if there be some wicked way in me;
Cleanse me from every sin, and set me free.

I praise Thee, Lord, for cleansing me from sin;
Fulfill Thy word and make me pure within;
Fill me with fire, where once I burned with shame;
Grant my desire to magnify Thy name.

Lord, take my life, and make it wholly Thine;
Fill my poor heart with Thy great love divine;
Take all my will, my passion, self and pride;
I now surrender, Lord, in me abide.

O Holy Ghost, revival comes from Thee;
Send a revival, start the work in me;
Thy Word declares Thou wilt supply our need;
For blessings now, O Lord, I humbly plead.

*sigh*

Right now, for an unexplainable reason, I feel very sad. I want to cry but the stupid frigging tears won't come. I have so many bad habits that I need to face up to and change, but I'm paralyzed to do so. As of now I have library books that are week overdue, an overdrawn bank account, the habit of staying up too late when I have to get up early, skipping as many as three meals before my next one, withdrawing from social events, and on it goes. I feel so alone at times and crave someone to come along side me to share life with. It seems so pointless to work all day, go home, unwind, eat alone, go to bed and repeat the same thing each day. Am I just trying to get by--just to live? Maybe I'm in a slump, or a really bad mood, or maybe I need help. I wish I knew.

I will lift up my eyes...

Remember the famous line from a song that became a movie title-"the hills are alive with sound of music; with songs they have sung for a thousand years"? Sunday afternoon, after shopping and lunch, I rode in the car over route 130 through the Blue Ridge mountains. We went through one bend after another, and each view was more spectacular then the one before. I commented that the reason we must like mountains so much is that they remind us how small we are and big He is. And that in the grand scheme of things there is a purpose and plan for our lives as beautiful and detailed as the rugged rocks, vivid hues of green, and staggering peaks. After our chatter silenced, I heard the melody of the mountains--calm, tranquil, and rich beyond words. It was as if all the trees were swaying together and joining with the rocks to sing His praises. Before I knew it I found myself fighting tears and my friend was doing the same. I lift mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help. As we rode home in silence, I realized how much more I need be still and just know that He is God. Somehow being out in His creation always reminds me of what is important. I found a secret spot that I intend to try to visit everyday to be alone, and to talk with Him about things that burden me. Where I'll lay them down at His feet and leave them there. Then I'll join the happy chorus--which the morning stars began--and fill the hills with the sound of music.

What a week...

It was an awesome one :) It started on the weekend, May 3rd, and I went to the mall with friends and randomly got my ears pierced. So I have two sets in each ear now, yay! The day before that I went to a tanning salon for the first time; I now have a nice glow that this former Floridian could never seem to get again. That weekend I got an invite to a birthday party and got asked out to a date which was a good thing, as I need to meet more people right? Hah, pure disappointment. The party was fun though, a new friend of mine was there, a couple of girls from LU, and the birthday girl--who was happy to see me. The rest of the party guests were her co-workers from work all dressed up and very gorgeous. And crude. As pretty they were, they didn't look/act it with their male bashing, boisterous conduct, exaggerated swagger, and language. And I wondered to myself, what happened to women acting like ladies? I don't mean the prim and proper Victorian prudes that people think of, but women who are simply gracious, kind, and put others first. There is an old poem I once read and memorized that I think expresses it well.

The need of the hour, by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

What does our country need? - Not armies standing
With sabers gleaming ready for the fight;
Not increased navies, skillful and commanding,
To bound the waters with an iron might;
Not haughty men with glutton purses trying
To purchase souls and keep the power of place;
Not jeweled dolls with one another vying
For palms of beauty elegance and grace.

But we want women, strong of soul yet lowly
With the rare meekness born of gentleness;
Women who's lives are pure and clean and holy,
The women whom all little children bless;
Brave, earnest women,helpful to each other,
With the finest scorn for all things low and mean;
Women who hold the names of of wife and mother
Far nobler then the title of a queen.

Women who do not hold the gift of beauty,
As some rare treasure to be bought and sold,
But guard it as a precious aid to duty--
The outer framing of the inner gold;
Women who low above their cradles bending,
Let flattery's voice go by and give no heed,
While their pure prayers like incense are ascending--
These are our country's pride, our country's need.

As for my date, that's a story for another time...

Random Thought

This quote energizes me every time I read it.

We have to live faithfully the time He has given us and not waste it. God is giving you a "pause" in your life. It will not last for long I assure you. But what a gift! Grab it! Take hold of it and use it for His glory. It is your time to be still, know that He is God, trust and obey. Fill your time with serving, learning, teaching, and doing.
Elizabeth Elliot on singleness

Stress and more stress

So this Wednesday I have a major project due that is worth 20% of my grade and I'm trying so hard not to freak out about it. I've done a lot, but still have a lot more to finish. And I also have, on the same day, a presentation to give for another class. At least my power points are done; I just needa figure out what to say and somehow be coherent at the same time. One of my pet peeves is when people finish a speech by saying "that's it" or "oh I'm done". Um, didn't you have time to write a conclusion to give? So I don't want to do that in mine. I'm a firm believer in being as professional as possible, but I'll get off my soapbox now.

I just remembered I have a library book due back tomorrow, better pull that out so I don't forget it. I was really happy this morning when my prof said we didn't have to take the last test if we were happy with the first three. Since I am, I'll have extra time to put the finishing touches on my project before I turn it in. Tomorrow is rehearsal for my presentation and I needa go to the library before that and print a bunch of stuff off and then go to the art lab. And I'm getting behind at work which is not good cuz it's only going to get busier.

On a bright spot though, I'm finally okay. Most of you might be scratchin your heads and saying "huh?", but that's cuz there is a lot you don't know about me. And the past several months I have been so burdened/stressed that I've lost 20 pounds without trying, skipped periods, lost my appetite, have/had dizzy spells and on it goes. The only explanation the doc could give was that it was stress related. Which is an extremely helpful diagnosis btw. *eyeroll* But Sunday morning, I couldn't do it any more. I went forward to the altar and told God that I was giving it up to Him. In other words all these problems are not really mine to deal with--it's His responsibility now. Which is funny cuz it truthfully is, but I wasn't living like it. So now I feel as if the weight of the world is off my shoulders. My circumstances are the still the same, but my joy is back. And...I've gained 5 pounds. Yay, my clothes fit better now :)

Summer come quickly!

I am learning an annoying program at work that has a bunch of time consuming steps one must do before he or she can accomplish anything significant. During the whole training session, I kept thinking how nice it would be to be sitting on the shore of a beach, with the sun beating down my back, and a good book in my hand. Ah, it's just relaxing just thinking about it.

For some reason, I want this summer to be really memorable. This is the first summer I am really on my own and I want for it to be great one. A time to life to the fullest, inhale all the knowledge I can, and be a better person for it when the few months have gone by. My last summer was spent in my parents house while I was trying to figure out what to do with my life--which I do not recommend. Assuming I get my first car by then (Lord puhlease!), I wanna go camping in the mountains, take mini-road trips, go to parties, take dancing lessons, and just go somewhere! I feel as if I will explode if I don't. An exaggeration maybe, but not much.

For that reason, I'm not taking summer classes. I need a break from school and I have a feeling that this is my last summer where I can do what I want (besides working). I don't know what the next season may bring so it only makes sense to take advantage of the time I have now. I plan to not only to spend time doing the things I mentioned earlier, but to also spend it with a great love of mine--reading. Not for research, school, or to get ahead--but for fun. How I miss that.

Thought of the Day

This made me pause for a moment. To think that the nation's greatest president felt this way.

"I am oftimes driven to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I have nowhere else to go."
Abraham Lincoln

Seizing the moments, but how?

I wanna go and
meet new people,
live big,
explore,
have an adventure,
and make new memories,
though....I'm just unsure how to go about it,
but the willingness is there.

After all, I will be in my 20's only one time.

Any ideas?

Nostalgia

Today I really had this desire to take ballet again. I danced for five years, starting when I was nine and stopping around 14 years of age. Since then I miss leaping on the spring wooded floors, doing plies until my muscles screamed for deliverance, and dancing my heart out. I keep thinking I'm too old to go back and dance again (I turn 22 next month), but I did my research and a ballet school in town has classes for 18+ year old. Wootah! The only thing that's keeping me back is that tuition is *gulp* so expensive. Plus the leotards, shoes, and other stuff that I would need to buy. Maybe after I get my first car I'll start saving up for private lessons. Who knows, I might dance again this summer! I would love to go back, though I'm sure it would be different from what I remember. A second reality that I have to consider is a lack of time. I work 30 hours a week, and go to school full time. At this point, I'm so tired by the end of the day that I'd doubt I'd have the energy to do 500+ frappes on the floor.

But basically I just want to perform again. There is nothing more thrilling for me then being on stage whether its a speech competition, play, sign-language choir, or a ballet performance. I love to perform and seeing people enjoy it. What I don't like is watching a performance; I'd rather be involved and participating in it. At the church I go to now there is a sign-language choir that was recently started and I'll probably join next week. Just take baby steps and all that jazz.

Another random thought I had was that I need to read Jane Eyre. Don't ask me why I should, but I've never read it and almost everyone I know has. Besides it's a classic apparently. This summer I just want to skip school for a few months and do nuttin ('sides working) but read. I miss that so much--reading. I only read for school now and that has kinda turned me off to reading. Because now it feels like work when I pick up a book and I want to change that. For some reason, I'm really in an ambitious mode this week. Who knows how long that will last for?

Happenings...

Said goodbye to the folks today or more specifically my mom and bro. I was a little sad though I enjoyed the drive back through the mountains (even if I did get lost two times *sheepish grin*). At least I now have time to get my homework done that was due yesterday, ugh. And, ironically, my last assignment was an essay I wrote about the importance of being disciplined. Yea right. I am now praying for a ride to work tomorrow with my co-worker so I don't havta see the creepy Spanish man on the city bus who keeps asking me out for the umpteenth time. *sigh* She hasn't texted me back yet so I'm getting a little antsy. If all else fails I'm seriously thinking of calling in sick so I can get some rest and things done, though I have not once done that-ever-so I dunno if I would actually do it. I will be done with that job by May 13th, after that I will be working full-time at Liberty :) which is a huge relief. Oh joy, I just remembered tomorrow is laundry day. Blah, no sleep for me.

Encouraging others...

Well my friend tells me I needa update my blog or more accurately nags me to do so ;) So I will try to be more faithful to update this from here on out. I remember my first and favorite youth pastor once started our Sunday School by looking at each of us with tear-filled eyes and saying, "There are people, hurting, outside these walls." I'd think it be even more accurate to say that the churches shelter hurting people too, probably more so because it's harder to be open about it. We seem to have this idea that our Christianity needs to be an artificial, Pollyanna, slap-happy, "ain't nuttin wrong with me" type of faith.

I finally got around to reading my school newspaper from April 1st. Front page headline was a student that died a few weeks back. Students reminisced about his kindness, how he went the extra mile, and his willingness to serve. But, and this is the part that haunts me, did he know that? Did he know how much of an impact his life had? I suspect his death was a suicide though the paper doesn't say. But if it was, why did he? Could it be he felt he wasn't making a difference, that his life didn't matter?

Life is hard. I learn that more and more each day. Many of my friends are going through heartaches and crisis and I am challenged to reconsider and think "what is my role in these situations"? I believe it is to encourage others. Since I tend to be self-centered and overly anxious, I often fall short of that. Philippians tells me to "let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others". I really, really, want to be like that and I can only hope the Lord will help me do so.

What a Friend We Have in Jesus


What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.