Adulthood

Why is being an adult so disappointing? We spend our whole childhood looking forward to this mysterious stage in life where we can do what we want and go wherever we wish. Only we find out it doesn't exactly work that way. A lot of people still act like they did in high school-immature and self-centered.

Speaking for myself, I feel so stuck most days. All I ever do is work, sleep, and eat and I can't help but wonder if I left my best years behind me. In high school I was a leader of a community service club, a newsletter editor, a choir member, a team leader for my youth group, and a winner of several oratorical competitions which I really miss doing. My senior year I capped my high school career by placing 4th in the nation. Upon returning home the mayor asked me to be the guest speaker for the city's flag day ceremony. Those days were exciting. I felt like I was contributing and working towards great things.

Now? I'm just another adult in this great country that drives to and from work every day, fixes dinner, tries to stay awake to do homework, and goes to bed. Then repeats the same routine everyday for who knows how long. I want to do those big things I used to do. As a friend of mine said, "...it seems like adult life squelches the dreams of one's youth, but hopefully they can be rekindled".

My Life Philosophy

There are worse things.

This is one of my favorite sayings. Unfortunately, I didn't invent it. My brother has reminded me of it frequently until it was permanently lodged in my bitty brain. I believe it (though I don't always feel it) to be completely true. Why? Is it even Biblical? And to that I say, yes. Yes, because nothing...absolutely nothing can compare to what Christ went through in his life and ultimately on the cross. The worst thing that can ever happen, did happen to Him.

We feel the pang of loneliness; God turned his back on him.

People wound us with their words; A spear was thrust in His side.

We struggle with forgetting the past; He knew all--past, present and future--imagine the weight and agony of that knowledge!

Tears threaten our masked faces; He had sweat-drops of blood.

Desire for revenge stirs in us; He whispered "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do".

At Calvary by M.H.

Calvary covers it all,
We cheerfully and loudly sing.
But, lest we ever forget...
What happened in Gethsemane,

Let's walk along the way of sorrows,
Among the blood spilled ground.
Can you see the hands--our hands--
that thrust the thorns in His brow?
Can you hear the cries of Mary
as she falls, weeping, on the ground?
Can you feel the whips,
that tore through his skin?
Can watch Him rise,
only to fall once again?
Can you hear the screams of Jesus,
as His beard was ripped from His face?
Can you realize it was MY sin...
that brought Him this disgrace.

But as the old hymn whispers:
My sin! Oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part, but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross,
And I bear it no more...
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord!
Oh, my soul!

Indeed, there are worse things. What a mighty God--who can turn the worst thing into something wonderful for all mankind!

Snippets of Everyday Moments--Present and Future

Teaching mathematics. Sadness. Hiking Sharptop mountain. Old hymns. Introduction to counseling. Hugs. Dance lessons. Friendships. Sending emails. Dreams. Finishing a good book. Home. Practicing ASL. Ah soul are you here without comfort or rest, marching down the rough pathway of time?

Hope. Shopping. Shivering in a cold car. Beach retreat. Hurting. Trying a new recipe. Old friends. Does Jesus care when my way grows dark, with nameless dread or fear?

Re-arranging furniture. Journaling. Updating blog. Anticipation. Instant messaging. Frustration. Thunder. There is within my spirit tonight, rolls a melody sweeter than psalm.

Sunsets. Short prayers. Cleaning. Long talks with mom. Texting. Writing poems. Oh yes, He cares. I know He cares. His heart is touched with my grief.

Sleep. At last.

Reflection

It is the weekend yet again. Though I didn't sleep in for as long as I wanted to, I still feel well rested. I got my ballet uniform and shoes last night and I'm so excited to begin my classes this Monday. It has been one of my dreams to go on pointe and I'm ready to work towards that. :)

The other day after I left work, I jumped in my car for the sojourn home and when I started it...nothing. I looked at my steering and realized I left my headlights on--all day. Dagumit. So it had to be jump started by a poor fellow who I'm sure was just as eager to get home as I was. Being the paranoid person I am, I bought a brand new battery just in case. My friend, who shall remain nameless, made me get a free test last night at an auto shop. Alas it appears to be fine, so I will take the new one back and use my money for better things like--ah I don't know. I'm sure some random bill will arrive and snatch it away.

So this past year has been one of the hardest I can remember. I will spare my readers the details, but I am learning now how to move on. This is actually freeing when I'm able to remember to do so. As the apostle Paul said, "but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." So even more than having things to look forward to, such as making new friends, decorating my apartment, taking ballet lessons, I look forward to the day when I can look back and see how it's made me in to the person God wanted me.

As one of my favorite hymns says:

Sometimes mid scenes of deepest gloom,
Sometimes where Eden's bowers bloom,
By waters still, over troubled sea,
Still 'tis His hand that leadeth me.

Lord, I would place my hand in Thine,
Nor ever murmur nor repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since 'tis my God that leadeth me.

I will lift up my eyes...

Remember the famous line from a song that became a movie title-"the hills are alive with sound of music; with songs they have sung for a thousand years"? Sunday afternoon, after shopping and lunch, I rode in the car over route 130 through the Blue Ridge mountains. We went through one bend after another, and each view was more spectacular then the one before. I commented that the reason we must like mountains so much is that they remind us how small we are and big He is. And that in the grand scheme of things there is a purpose and plan for our lives as beautiful and detailed as the rugged rocks, vivid hues of green, and staggering peaks. After our chatter silenced, I heard the melody of the mountains--calm, tranquil, and rich beyond words. It was as if all the trees were swaying together and joining with the rocks to sing His praises. Before I knew it I found myself fighting tears and my friend was doing the same. I lift mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help. As we rode home in silence, I realized how much more I need be still and just know that He is God. Somehow being out in His creation always reminds me of what is important. I found a secret spot that I intend to try to visit everyday to be alone, and to talk with Him about things that burden me. Where I'll lay them down at His feet and leave them there. Then I'll join the happy chorus--which the morning stars began--and fill the hills with the sound of music.

Random Thought

This quote energizes me every time I read it.

We have to live faithfully the time He has given us and not waste it. God is giving you a "pause" in your life. It will not last for long I assure you. But what a gift! Grab it! Take hold of it and use it for His glory. It is your time to be still, know that He is God, trust and obey. Fill your time with serving, learning, teaching, and doing.
Elizabeth Elliot on singleness

Peace...or lack thereof

Alone. I'm sitting on my bed, watching the kitten breathe in and out, his little chest rising and falling. His eyes are squished shut like a little old Chinese man. He seems so happy and yet all he does is eat and sleep. What I would give to have a life like that...And as I beg God to pursue me, and keep me from doing something stupid that would wreck havoc on the rest of my life, I'm trying to pull myself together.

Pensive. I'm thinking though too many things and trying to calm my racing heart. Trying to remind myself to be still. And just to take things one day at a time. That somehow everything will get done--and if not, it won't be the end of the world.

Amused. Yesterday, a girl I babysat dropped her sandwich in her cup of water, let it soak and promptly drank out of it before I or anyone else could stop her. Aghast I asked, "Why did you do THAT?" She replied, "cuz I wanted to!" Well duh, good reason as any. But what would I do if, like her, I didn't care what people thought? An interesting thing to speculate.

Perspective. I also rode the bus yesterday, which I do two or three times week. And I've noticed, riding the bus changes the way I look at the city around me. I feel more like a visitor, a tourist. Here for a just sojourn--passing through instead of being someone who left her hometown, family, and friends to move here. I notice the old buildings, people relaxing on their front porches. I see a lady driving a fancy, yellow bug with a black top. She sports an obviously artificial tan and pulls out a cigarette as the bus turns in the opposite direction. I notice how lethargic the passengers seem and how hurried the outside world is in contrast. Conversations banter around though I don't join in, but I find myself leisurely running through my to do list. The moment I step off though, my little brain perks up and wants to get back into the grind. Eh, how I dislike being a grownup at times.

Wonderful Peace

Far away in the depths of my spirit tonight
Rolls a melody sweeter than psalm;
In celestial strains it unceasingly falls
O’er my soul like an infinite calm.

Refrain

Peace, peace, wonderful peace,
Coming down from the Father above!
Sweep over my spirit forever, I pray
In fathomless billows of love!

What a treasure I have in this wonderful peace,
Buried deep in the heart of my soul,
So secure that no power can mine it away,
While the years of eternity roll!

Refrain

I am resting tonight in this wonderful peace,
Resting sweetly in Jesus’ control;
For I’m kept from all danger by night and by day,
And His glory is flooding my soul!

Refrain

And I think when I rise to that city of peace,
Where the Anchor of peace I shall see,
That one strain of the song which the ransomed will sing
In that heavenly kingdom will be:

Refrain

Ah, soul! are you here without comfort and rest,
Marching down the rough pathway of time?
Make Jesus your Friend ere the shadows grow dark;
O accept of this peace so sublime!