Musings

I was talking with a friend today about how we would like to get married someday, but that there seems to be a shortage of "good" guys in the world except for our brothers. And we wondered how much of getting married is our responsibility and how much of it is God's doing? Obviously He's not going to plop the poor soul on my doorstep though He sorta did that to Eve. Only in reverse. My guess is that our responsibility is to avoid being hermits and put ourselves in positions where we'll meet people and trust Him to do the rest.

Sometimes I get discouraged, and think that no man could ever want me, that I'll be single for the rest of my life. Depressing as that is, I remember a pastor stating to college students, "Be the right one, and the right one will come along". So am I?

Is my tongue "the law of kindness"? My sarcasm probably disqualifies me here. Am I punctual? Not always, which means no. Do I do everything heartly, for the Lord? No, I care what people think too much. Am I faithful? Do I see things through, no matter the cost? *sigh* Do I love others, even if I'm not loved in return? I try. Am I modest, and try to keep other men's minds pure even when they look on me? Well I don't dress like I did at PCC. I am tempted to flaunt. But the hardest question, am I doing him good now, even before I meet him? All the days of my life? Lord help, I want to so badly but I fall short.

So where does that put me? It means I need to focus on three things: to seek God with all my heart, to serve others, and to trust Him. And to also not just set high standards for myself, but to expect the same of him. One poem I read says:

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for your socks and shirt--
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home;
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say "It is very good".

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did on the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean, so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.
by Lena Lathrop

So anyone with years of experience or wisdom that can chip in his two cents here?

So time marches on...

Now I'm 22 years old, newly promoted at work, independent, and trying to persevere. I read somewhere that when you are the closest to accomplishing something is when life will be the hardest. Not that life is hard per se, it's just a stupid restless feeling I have.

O to grace how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be. Let thy goodness like fetter, bind my my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wonder, Lord I feel it; prone to leave the God I love. Take my heart, oh take and seal it--fit for service up above.

I feel so very alone. And yet I'm not...

I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus Christ, a Nazarene. And wonder how He could love me, a sinner, condemned, unclean. How marvelous! How wonderful! And my song shall ever be--how marvelous, how wonderful is my Savior's love for me.

On an unrelated note my office threw a surprise party for my birthday. What would have been my first birthday away from home turned into a great memory. Thanks you guys!

I feel rich beyond words.

Life is good

I turn 22 very soon. :) My new job starts on June 1st. Am moving to a new apt in August with a cool roommate. Gonna get a car eventually. I have awesome friends. Life is good...the end.

It is well...

My last entry was, admittedly, very depressing. Not long after I posted it, I went for a walk to my secret place and spent an hour there just singing and thinking. I talked to a friend on IM, cleaned my room, and prayed some. I then couldn't remember what the heck I was so upset or sad about. How often do I forget that when I'm down in the dumps, if I would just go outside, talk to someone, and pray I'll feel better? My 22nd birthday is this week and I want this to be the year I grow stronger in my faith and take more risks. Lest I become too harsh on myself, I do need to admit that I've grown and changed a lot over the past year--hopefully for the better. A verse that keeps running in my head is David's plea to God in Ps. 139: "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." That is my desire for my 22nd year of my little life: that I would continue to seek Him and follow Him all of my days.

Search Me, O God

Search me, O God, and know my heart today,
Try me, O Savior, know my thoughts, I pray;
See if there be some wicked way in me;
Cleanse me from every sin, and set me free.

I praise Thee, Lord, for cleansing me from sin;
Fulfill Thy word and make me pure within;
Fill me with fire, where once I burned with shame;
Grant my desire to magnify Thy name.

Lord, take my life, and make it wholly Thine;
Fill my poor heart with Thy great love divine;
Take all my will, my passion, self and pride;
I now surrender, Lord, in me abide.

O Holy Ghost, revival comes from Thee;
Send a revival, start the work in me;
Thy Word declares Thou wilt supply our need;
For blessings now, O Lord, I humbly plead.

*sigh*

Right now, for an unexplainable reason, I feel very sad. I want to cry but the stupid frigging tears won't come. I have so many bad habits that I need to face up to and change, but I'm paralyzed to do so. As of now I have library books that are week overdue, an overdrawn bank account, the habit of staying up too late when I have to get up early, skipping as many as three meals before my next one, withdrawing from social events, and on it goes. I feel so alone at times and crave someone to come along side me to share life with. It seems so pointless to work all day, go home, unwind, eat alone, go to bed and repeat the same thing each day. Am I just trying to get by--just to live? Maybe I'm in a slump, or a really bad mood, or maybe I need help. I wish I knew.

I will lift up my eyes...

Remember the famous line from a song that became a movie title-"the hills are alive with sound of music; with songs they have sung for a thousand years"? Sunday afternoon, after shopping and lunch, I rode in the car over route 130 through the Blue Ridge mountains. We went through one bend after another, and each view was more spectacular then the one before. I commented that the reason we must like mountains so much is that they remind us how small we are and big He is. And that in the grand scheme of things there is a purpose and plan for our lives as beautiful and detailed as the rugged rocks, vivid hues of green, and staggering peaks. After our chatter silenced, I heard the melody of the mountains--calm, tranquil, and rich beyond words. It was as if all the trees were swaying together and joining with the rocks to sing His praises. Before I knew it I found myself fighting tears and my friend was doing the same. I lift mine eyes unto the hills from whence cometh my help. As we rode home in silence, I realized how much more I need be still and just know that He is God. Somehow being out in His creation always reminds me of what is important. I found a secret spot that I intend to try to visit everyday to be alone, and to talk with Him about things that burden me. Where I'll lay them down at His feet and leave them there. Then I'll join the happy chorus--which the morning stars began--and fill the hills with the sound of music.

What a week...

It was an awesome one :) It started on the weekend, May 3rd, and I went to the mall with friends and randomly got my ears pierced. So I have two sets in each ear now, yay! The day before that I went to a tanning salon for the first time; I now have a nice glow that this former Floridian could never seem to get again. That weekend I got an invite to a birthday party and got asked out to a date which was a good thing, as I need to meet more people right? Hah, pure disappointment. The party was fun though, a new friend of mine was there, a couple of girls from LU, and the birthday girl--who was happy to see me. The rest of the party guests were her co-workers from work all dressed up and very gorgeous. And crude. As pretty they were, they didn't look/act it with their male bashing, boisterous conduct, exaggerated swagger, and language. And I wondered to myself, what happened to women acting like ladies? I don't mean the prim and proper Victorian prudes that people think of, but women who are simply gracious, kind, and put others first. There is an old poem I once read and memorized that I think expresses it well.

The need of the hour, by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

What does our country need? - Not armies standing
With sabers gleaming ready for the fight;
Not increased navies, skillful and commanding,
To bound the waters with an iron might;
Not haughty men with glutton purses trying
To purchase souls and keep the power of place;
Not jeweled dolls with one another vying
For palms of beauty elegance and grace.

But we want women, strong of soul yet lowly
With the rare meekness born of gentleness;
Women who's lives are pure and clean and holy,
The women whom all little children bless;
Brave, earnest women,helpful to each other,
With the finest scorn for all things low and mean;
Women who hold the names of of wife and mother
Far nobler then the title of a queen.

Women who do not hold the gift of beauty,
As some rare treasure to be bought and sold,
But guard it as a precious aid to duty--
The outer framing of the inner gold;
Women who low above their cradles bending,
Let flattery's voice go by and give no heed,
While their pure prayers like incense are ascending--
These are our country's pride, our country's need.

As for my date, that's a story for another time...