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I am so sleepy. Very, very sleepy. My compy is sick so I'm typing this on the office computer; I really hope my compy gets fixed soon. *sigh* I need to pick up rolls for a fall festival lunch my department is having tomorrow, do my laundry, try to exercise, do homework on the library computer before midnight, and pay bills. Wow, my life is so exciting. I think I'll have spaghetti for dinner. That should spice things up.

Surely...

Hymns randomly pop in my head. What can I say? But these are the words that came and comforted me during this long day. Read it slowly and savor it. Ah words of life and beauty...

A pilgrim was I, and a wandering,
In the cold night of sin I did roam,
When Jesus the kind Shepherd found me,
And now I am on my way home.


Chorus:
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days, all the days of my life;
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days, all the days of my life.

And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever,
And I shall feast at the table spread for me;
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days, all the days of my life.


Verse 2:
He restoreth my soul when I'm weary,
He giveth me strength day by day;
He leads me beside the still waters,
He guards me each step of the way.


Verse 3:
When I walk through the dark lonesome valley,
My savior will walk with me there;
And safely His great hand will lead me
To the mansions He's gone to prepare.

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

In case you didn't pick it up, the title is actually a book I once read as a kid. It also happens to describe my day today. *exhales*

Into marvelous light I'm running, out of darkness, out of shame,
By the cross you are the truth, you are the light, you are the way...

Why???

I seem to handle things as well as a tangled web--trip over just one line until before I know it I'm smothered underneath the wispy strands. I hate being the bad guy, but why can't people realize that when I actually do speak up about something it really bothers me? At the risk of sounding like a teenager--like really.

I did go away for a weekend, enjoyed myself, learned a lot, and had a great time. Now that I'm back I'm trying not to drown under the emails I have to answer at work and the homework I need to do. And I'm worried about finances. For few days I've been worth a negative balance, but payday has come and gone and my mind is trying to split the money I now have into neat categories: rent, insurance, food, gas, credit card, tithe... Problem is trying to make it stretch that far. Maybe money needs to be made out of spandex instead of paper. Sorry for that random detour.

And I don't think I'm eating enough. I've been trying to track the foods I do eat and often barely reach the 1,000 calorie mark. Considering I'm supposed to have at least 1,500 a day I don't think that's enough. For example today I had two small muffins and hot tea for breakfast, a ham/cheese sandwich with apple juice for lunch, and rice with bread and butter for dinner. There doesn't seem to be a lot of substance in my diet, but I can't seem to work up an appetite for anything. Regardless I become full very quickly; on the way back my group stopped at Subway, where I got a 6" sandwich with a glass of water. It looked so pitiful next to the footlong sandwich, potato chips, soda, and cookies the girl next to me had. I felt full after eating just half of mine but I made myself eat the rest anyways.

I'm also considering making an appointment (once I have the money) at UVA to see if I could be a candidate for a cochlear implant. Not that I will per se, but I am curious to know one way or another.

I'm really tired all of sudden. It's been a long day and I'm going to bed.

Loneliness...

*sigh* This is a somewhat humorous section from an article I read. I can relate to it more than I'd like to admit.

If there's an organ in the body that causes loneliness, I'm sure it's located near the stomach. When I'm really hungry I'll eat anything—lettuce, ice, dried pasta, frozen peas. The same is true when I'm lonely. I'll look anywhere or do anything to stop the hunger.

I know I'm lonely when I check my e-mail, click on another site, and then check my box again to see if mail came in. Maybe I missed something. Sometimes I dial the voicemail on my cell phone to check for messages, even though the very colorful and accurate display screen reads "no new messages." Maybe the screen messed up. When I get home from work, my first stop if my office to check my phone. Aha! The little green light on my caller ID box is flashing. A new message! I dial into the system. I punch in my code. I wait. I frown. I hang up. Another telemarketer wants to sell me solar heating for my pool.

As that unidentified organ near my stomach begins to pump the lonely feeling into my body from ears to toes, I resort to the backup plan. Noise, motion, a task, any distraction is all I need to stave off the growing hunger. I turn on the radio. Nuts! Commercials. I turn on the TV. Fifty-five channels of boredom. I eat. I just bought these cookies, how can they be stale? I drink. Remember to buy more milk. I sleep. Why do all my neighbors have dogs? I do laundry. I mow the lawn. I write out bills. I make my bed. I play video games. I write. I run errands. I organize my closet. I read. I vacuum. I desperately search for any distraction to deaden the pain. The rest of the article can be read here: http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/mind60621.html

Now, I must pack for a sojourn, a vacation. Hopefully it'll distract me from myself--cynical as that sounds.

When Nothing Makes Sense

I'm eating "Death by Chocolate" while some sappy movie is on TV and my roommate is chatting with her boyfriend.

Tapping computer keys.
Sitting near phone.
Silence.
Ache.
Loneliness.

Flickering TV screen.
Dim halo from lamp.
Music.
Words.
Tiredness.

Sipping from glass.
Spoonful of sugar.
Dreams.
Wonder.
Warmth.

Rising early.
Stumbling in dark.
Commute.
Labor.
Clock.

Whispers from friends.
Warm embraces.
Encouragement.
Strength.
Smiles.

Life vanishing as vapor.
Sinking in thought.
Legacy.
Sadness.
Tears.

Fading wallpaper.
Wilting flowers.
Gasp.
Passing.
Heaven.

Turning of page.
Dropping roses.
Memories.
Hankerchiefs.
Sunset.

-Molly H.

Snippets of Everyday Moments--Present and Future

Teaching mathematics. Sadness. Hiking Sharptop mountain. Old hymns. Introduction to counseling. Hugs. Dance lessons. Friendships. Sending emails. Dreams. Finishing a good book. Home. Practicing ASL. Ah soul are you here without comfort or rest, marching down the rough pathway of time?

Hope. Shopping. Shivering in a cold car. Beach retreat. Hurting. Trying a new recipe. Old friends. Does Jesus care when my way grows dark, with nameless dread or fear?

Re-arranging furniture. Journaling. Updating blog. Anticipation. Instant messaging. Frustration. Thunder. There is within my spirit tonight, rolls a melody sweeter than psalm.

Sunsets. Short prayers. Cleaning. Long talks with mom. Texting. Writing poems. Oh yes, He cares. I know He cares. His heart is touched with my grief.

Sleep. At last.